let’s just steal a bike…and then get caught

All was normal today at work. Then after a while one of my coworkers, Ryan, who was finished working for the day, came back and sat with my other coworker, Matt, and me. We were all tossing insults and jokes back and forth like normal, then all of a sudden Matt makes a reference to paying a fine. I apparently gave a weird look, because Ryan then asked me if anyone had told me what had happened yet. They proceeded to tell me that over the past weekend they stole a fucking bike. A random bike out of their neighborhood, and didn’t really try and hide it all that well. I guess Matt got arrested, like legit arrested: cuffed, questioned, booked etc. Like what the fuck, I never really thought about things like that happening to people around me. I doubt that they learned their lesson though. It wouldn’t surprise me if they continued to get into trouble. I mean I know a lot of people on drugs, alcoholics, and all that but I never really thought about it too much. It definitely caught me off guard, I mean I’m now old enough to be tried as an adult if I’d fuck up like that. Luckily Matt and Ryan were released. Matt ended up with a bunch of fines and Ryan is being tried for conspiracy to commit a crime.

As for other updates. I have young marines in the morning, or later I guess considering it’s like 1 a.m. I am definitely getting tired, but of course I have about twenty different things that I want to do. At the very least I managed to get a decent amount of things done today. I finally got the last of my textbooks, did all our dishes, got laundry around, cleaned our kitchen, got my binder ready for young marines tomorrow and paid our electric bill. It doesn’t seem like much but I also worked a full day of work today, so it definitely added up. John and I also went to dinner tonight. I’m really happy that he does random things like that for me, it makes a massive difference and he’s extremely considerate and cute. It was amazing of course. I was glad that I got to spend time with him, and I can’t wait until Sunday when I get to spend the day with him! I love getting to see him, it means a lot more now that I don’t get to see him that often anymore since our schedules are so different.


Sleep deprivation

I started reading for intermediate accounting this morning. I made it about 15 pages in before I wanted to put a hollow point through my skull. I don’t mind doing the actual applied work, but the books and studying definitions is enough to make anyone want to off themselves. It’s ridiculous.
John and I watched a movie earlier, it was decent, but other than that I have been too tired to do much of anything at all. I feel terrible and I’m hoping that tomorrow goes by quite quickly. I have to work for myself and John but I need time to relax or something. I don’t know that I can, but I hope I can do something. I have zero energy at all. I also have like no money since I had to buy textbooks. I get paid tomorrow though, luckily I can make it work.
Saturday I have young marines all day so i’m just hoping I can function efficiently. As long as I don’t fall asleep while i”m driving or something I’ll be alright. If I have to mainline coffee for the next couple days I will :p

ballet and such

I’ve never effectively danced a day in my life. I learned to pole dance for a play and I was in a wedding party where I had to ballroom dance. I have three weeks before the next semester starts and I have no idea what I’m going to do about my 8a.m. ballet class. I am going to make a fair attempt at staying optimistic but I am slightly scared of what will happen. I’m not exactly your stereotypical bulimic twig type that normally does ballet and my balance is honestly quite terrible.

When it comes to John I’ve noticed that we don’t really seem to talk as much as we did before. I’m just running out of things to say I guess. We used to always stay up late talking until the early hours of the morning, about nothing in particular. Secrets, life, love…the normal. I used to love to listen to him tell me story after story even when I had heard them several times already. With our work schedules we just haven’t had the time…I miss it. I miss having him around as much as he was before. I just hope that I am actually good for him. He has hopes and dreams and actually knows where he wants to go in life. I could only wish to have that. I want the best for him, whether it would be with me or not. As long as he’s happy and doing what he wants to do. I really do love him and I can’t believe I might just get my chance to spend my life with him. Obviously I can’t predict the future, but I can surely hope like hell.

changing patterns of life and love

I’ve realized that in the past year I have changed so much. I went from being hopelessly optimistic and attached to a guy I knew I had no future with. From the beginning when we started talking I knew where I stood despite not wanting to accept it at the time. It made me question my faith beyond anything I ever had. I wondered why I could have part of him as my own, yet not be permitted to go any further. Looking back, I know that I didn’t even want that for my life, yet I wanted what I couldn’t have. The way our friendship worked I really felt that I could be myself, because at the time I didn’t even care whatsoever, about anything. I didn’t care if we kept hanging out or if things just ended, I left it all up to him. It kept me in a constant spiral. He was dating someone anyway, or so I was lead to believe, but I still am unsure of the absolute truth, because god forbid he’d actually answer my questions. We talked about all sorts of things from life to love to the future. None of our plans matched up whatsoever, yet we clicked nonetheless. One day he’d want to see me and the next he’d tell me that we needed to stop and we couldn’t see each other anymore. I’m not sure why I continued to tolerate the torturous mindset it put me in. I got to the point of not wanting to do anything with my life. I didn’t care about college, working, or making progress, yet I went about my life trying to do my best in everything I tried. I won’t deny it, he changed my life quite drastically. He made me realize that I don’t need to have people in my life to be happy, yet it went to an extreme extent. I remember going three weeks without speaking to anyone at all. I went to class, went to work, and went home. I just wanted to be alone and ponder what direction my life was headed towards. I shouldn’t have been happy just hooking up with someone that didn’t even necessarily like me that much, but I was. I was content and I knew I shouldn’t be. I feel like I am too willing to be content with my life situations, that I should hold out for more, but I don’t. I settle for what makes me happy, I don’t aspire for much or set the bar as high as I probably should. It makes me wonder how things would have turned out if I had made different decisions than I did. Randomly he’ll check in on me, I still am unsure of why, I find it odd, but I don’t question it. I don’t understand why something as simple as what we had could have changed my life as much as it did, but I can’t change it now. I always wondered why things have to turn out the way that they do. There are many moments I sometimes wished I could go back and change, but now I’m not so sure that I would.
Then I met John. He has been more than amazing for me. He has actually made me realize that I can love someone and receive love in turn. I mean, without the suffering that I have known in my life I don’t know that I could feel as compassionate towards him as I do. Between the family drama, the friends with benefit relationship I went through, and all of my health issues I have John that I can confide in. My secrets, my hopes, my future….everything. I can share my life with him without wondering if he will randomly decide to just leave me without a real reason. There are many memories that I have with John that I will never forget. They just replay in my mind anytime that I think of him. Especially the first night we actually hung out together. The look he gave me when I truly looked into his eyes for the first time was breathtaking. It was a look of wonder…of questioning…I knew it was the beginning of a journey. However, I never believed that it would go this far. I assumed he would just want to have fun, but I was quite wrong. We’ve been together ever since and the last four months have been spectacular. I like that he fits so perfectly into my own life and that we can work things out together for our future plans. I never feel like I have to put all of my effort into our relationship, I can take the time to focus on other things and make progress. He just makes me feel like I should have hope for the future and that everything will be alright. I don’t feel like I have to have a complete and prosperous plan, I can just have faith in our lives and hope for the best. I have considered whether I would want to go back and change a few of the things that had happened between John and I. I have realized that I wouldn’t want to. I mean I lost John’s truck keys and I feel horrible about it but his reaction to that made me realize just how much he truly cares about me. He didn’t react in anyway close to what I thought that he would, but instead was very caring and comforting despite being upset with me, it was very unexpected.
I’m very predictable, I dislike change. I do the same things, eat the same things, and go about my life in the same pattern. I don’t find it necessary to change things up that often. I’m not sure if this bothers me or what I feel about it anymore. I am coming to realize that I don’t have the energy to keep caring the way I have been. I am not viewing this in a mental way. No matter what I do anymore it seems like I just don’t have energy to function. I think part of it might be the pancreatic cancer. I know that despite my trying to not think about it, it is affecting my life whether I want to accept it or not. I’m just exhausted. I wish I could do the normal everyday college life things, stay out late, have fun, be spontaneous….but I just don’t have the physical energy to do it. The few times I’ve stayed out late recently I have felt terrible the day after, and I don’t understand it. They say if you mentally try and go about your life as if nothing is wrong with you that you will be alright, but it doesn’t always work that way I guess. It just overwhelms me. I don’t want believe that I am dying. i believe that I will be fine, it’s just a matter of going through the motions and the treatments and going about my life. It’s all just very tiring and I’m just emotionally drained at this point. I believe that both of the guys were given to me, even for a short amount of time, to make me realize that my life isn’t permanent. It’s nowhere near perfect, but I can be happy nonetheless. I am happy for the first time in a very long time. The tears come to my eyes just thinking about it, I am grateful for everything that has been done for me. It’s all part of my life and it makes me ultimately realize just how miraculous life can be. I feel like John was sent to me, unexpectedly, to help me through my struggles in life and be a true companion. I know that I can help him and it makes me wonder just how much help I can be to those around me, makes me wonder if my life really makes any difference at all in the world….I’m sure by the time it all becomes prominent I will probably already be long gone…