changing patterns of life and love

I’ve realized that in the past year I have changed so much. I went from being hopelessly optimistic and attached to a guy I knew I had no future with. From the beginning when we started talking I knew where I stood despite not wanting to accept it at the time. It made me question my faith beyond anything I ever had. I wondered why I could have part of him as my own, yet not be permitted to go any further. Looking back, I know that I didn’t even want that for my life, yet I wanted what I couldn’t have. The way our friendship worked I really felt that I could be myself, because at the time I didn’t even care whatsoever, about anything. I didn’t care if we kept hanging out or if things just ended, I left it all up to him. It kept me in a constant spiral. He was dating someone anyway, or so I was lead to believe, but I still am unsure of the absolute truth, because god forbid he’d actually answer my questions. We talked about all sorts of things from life to love to the future. None of our plans matched up whatsoever, yet we clicked nonetheless. One day he’d want to see me and the next he’d tell me that we needed to stop and we couldn’t see each other anymore. I’m not sure why I continued to tolerate the torturous mindset it put me in. I got to the point of not wanting to do anything with my life. I didn’t care about college, working, or making progress, yet I went about my life trying to do my best in everything I tried. I won’t deny it, he changed my life quite drastically. He made me realize that I don’t need to have people in my life to be happy, yet it went to an extreme extent. I remember going three weeks without speaking to anyone at all. I went to class, went to work, and went home. I just wanted to be alone and ponder what direction my life was headed towards. I shouldn’t have been happy just hooking up with someone that didn’t even necessarily like me that much, but I was. I was content and I knew I shouldn’t be. I feel like I am too willing to be content with my life situations, that I should hold out for more, but I don’t. I settle for what makes me happy, I don’t aspire for much or set the bar as high as I probably should. It makes me wonder how things would have turned out if I had made different decisions than I did. Randomly he’ll check in on me, I still am unsure of why, I find it odd, but I don’t question it. I don’t understand why something as simple as what we had could have changed my life as much as it did, but I can’t change it now. I always wondered why things have to turn out the way that they do. There are many moments I sometimes wished I could go back and change, but now I’m not so sure that I would.
Then I met John. He has been more than amazing for me. He has actually made me realize that I can love someone and receive love in turn. I mean, without the suffering that I have known in my life I don’t know that I could feel as compassionate towards him as I do. Between the family drama, the friends with benefit relationship I went through, and all of my health issues I have John that I can confide in. My secrets, my hopes, my future….everything. I can share my life with him without wondering if he will randomly decide to just leave me without a real reason. There are many memories that I have with John that I will never forget. They just replay in my mind anytime that I think of him. Especially the first night we actually hung out together. The look he gave me when I truly looked into his eyes for the first time was breathtaking. It was a look of wonder…of questioning…I knew it was the beginning of a journey. However, I never believed that it would go this far. I assumed he would just want to have fun, but I was quite wrong. We’ve been together ever since and the last four months have been spectacular. I like that he fits so perfectly into my own life and that we can work things out together for our future plans. I never feel like I have to put all of my effort into our relationship, I can take the time to focus on other things and make progress. He just makes me feel like I should have hope for the future and that everything will be alright. I don’t feel like I have to have a complete and prosperous plan, I can just have faith in our lives and hope for the best. I have considered whether I would want to go back and change a few of the things that had happened between John and I. I have realized that I wouldn’t want to. I mean I lost John’s truck keys and I feel horrible about it but his reaction to that made me realize just how much he truly cares about me. He didn’t react in anyway close to what I thought that he would, but instead was very caring and comforting despite being upset with me, it was very unexpected.
I’m very predictable, I dislike change. I do the same things, eat the same things, and go about my life in the same pattern. I don’t find it necessary to change things up that often. I’m not sure if this bothers me or what I feel about it anymore. I am coming to realize that I don’t have the energy to keep caring the way I have been. I am not viewing this in a mental way. No matter what I do anymore it seems like I just don’t have energy to function. I think part of it might be the pancreatic cancer. I know that despite my trying to not think about it, it is affecting my life whether I want to accept it or not. I’m just exhausted. I wish I could do the normal everyday college life things, stay out late, have fun, be spontaneous….but I just don’t have the physical energy to do it. The few times I’ve stayed out late recently I have felt terrible the day after, and I don’t understand it. They say if you mentally try and go about your life as if nothing is wrong with you that you will be alright, but it doesn’t always work that way I guess. It just overwhelms me. I don’t want believe that I am dying. i believe that I will be fine, it’s just a matter of going through the motions and the treatments and going about my life. It’s all just very tiring and I’m just emotionally drained at this point. I believe that both of the guys were given to me, even for a short amount of time, to make me realize that my life isn’t permanent. It’s nowhere near perfect, but I can be happy nonetheless. I am happy for the first time in a very long time. The tears come to my eyes just thinking about it, I am grateful for everything that has been done for me. It’s all part of my life and it makes me ultimately realize just how miraculous life can be. I feel like John was sent to me, unexpectedly, to help me through my struggles in life and be a true companion. I know that I can help him and it makes me wonder just how much help I can be to those around me, makes me wonder if my life really makes any difference at all in the world….I’m sure by the time it all becomes prominent I will probably already be long gone…


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