With Success Comes Misery

I feel as if I have been neglecting my blog quite often. I know that I have more important things to do but at this point it is one of the few things that is going to keep me from blowing my brains out. Writing out whatever I feel is necessary so that I don’t go over the edge. At the moment I am very uneasy for some reason. I mean John is on his way home and I am happy about that, but I just am stressed out. I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done at all around the house and I know I haven’t gotten any schoolwork done at all. I mean yeah I worked most of the weekend but that isn’t good enough for me. Then again, nothing is ever good enough for me. I apparently judge myself way too harshly, but when you grow up having no one give a fuck about you at all, sometimes you have to care about yourself. Some days I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn’t cared about doing the right thing, or getting things done on my own as I was a kid. In retrospect however I do believe that things happen for a reason, and I guess I was meant to care. I mean if I hadn’t moved in with my aunt and uncle I would have never worked at my last job. If I had never worked at my last job I would have never gotten to know Mattie. If I hadn’t gotten to know Mattie I would not be working at the job I have now and I would have never pushed myself to finish calculus, graduate early, and I wouldn’t have moved out of my aunt and uncle’s house. Had I not done that I would have never made the final decision to go to LHU and I would have never met John at all. I mean it is weird how life works out in the end. I mean I think back on the way things used to be quite a lot, probably more than I should, I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but it happens nonetheless. It is just part of who I am. I know I have spent hours praying for things to happen, that never did. At the time I wondered why but I guess it was all just part of God’s plan for me. I mean I am so thankful for some of the unanswered prayers that I’ve encountered. I mean it didn’t shake my faith just because I don’t always get the things that I ask for, but I know that if things are meant to happen than at some point they will. The waiting part, however, drives me crazy. I know that I have changed quite drastically in the past several months, but overall I am constantly changing and I hate that about myself. I know that change is a normal part of life but between my physical health, my mental state, and my overall outlook on life. I have been changing so much that I just seem like life keeps changing too quickly for me to handle. I don’t even feel like I am ready for the first set of exams that I have coming up these next two weeks already. It’s just too soon I feel like the semester has just started, yet we are already about a month into it. Time is just passing too quickly and I want to slow it down because I know that I’m going to miss these college years so much. I feel like I am rushing my life away. I’m 18 and I have gotten this far in life by rushing everything that I do. At this point I think that that is just a part of my personality that I really don’t like, even though it is usually good for me. I want to do better for my life than the original hand I was dealt and I know that the only way for that to work out is for me to work my ass off and try my best at everything that I do. Of course that takes a lot of effort and I spend so much time trying to be perfect that I’m letting my life pass me by. I very rarely ever have time to have fun, and even when I “make time” to have fun I am constantly thinking about all of the other things that I should be doing with my time. Even as I am writing this I keep thinking about my deadlines and my double test later this week. I wish that there was some way that I could just switch off that part of my brain when I needed to, but I know that that seems to be impossible for me. There is always something that needs to be done and someone that needs my attention, so I will yet again try and make the impossible happen. I strive for perfection so much that it runs my life and when I fuck up even the slightest it bothers me more than it should. I know that I am not perfect, that I never will be, and that no one is…but yet I still try anyway, doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever. If only I could change that, but I bet that will never happen… I might be getting very far with my life, but what good is it if I am miserable and unhappy all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have John and he makes me happy but the rest of my life just seems to be a meaningless black hole. Yeah I go to class and get good grades, but I don’t care at all. I could care less about what grades I bring home, unless they are perfect, they won’t ever be good enough for me. Yet I settle for things in other people that are far from perfect and I value them so much more than I could ever value myself. It’s sad and pathetic in my opinion, but what good does that do me. It just gives me one more reason to view myself as another pointless kid trying to impress anyone that will give them the time of day. I’m rather unattractive, I’m hopeless when it comes to social skills, the only thing I really have in life is my intelligence and the few people who care enough to get to know me.

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