I feel bad for even thinking it but I feel like sometimes I put a lot more effort into things than John does. I mean I understand that some of the things that I view as important he could care less about; but still I don’t know what to think some times. Like tomorrow: I know that I am going to go to work for at least 8 hours and then come home and probably end up going to help him at his job. As far as I am aware his plans for tomorrow consist of going to his parents to drop off some tables and pick up a few things and then going with his friends to fuck around. A.I feel like things of this nature happen a lot, even if he isn’t physically with friends he still seems to be doing something I consider “unproductive”. On a side note I don’t trust any of his friends whatsoever after they convinced him to cheat on me with some skank. And no, I’m not just calling her a skank because he had sex with her. It’s because anyone that lets several guys gang bang her is a FUCKING SKANK. end of story. Anyway back to what I was originally ranting about. I know he spends a decent amount of time on youtube, facebook, xbox etc throughout the week. Don’t get me wrong I do my fair share of fucking around but no where near the amount that he does. Even today he asked me to read a paper for him and I pretty much just ended up writing the rest of the one he had started and his next one while he played xbox with his friends. I realize that I could have easily said fuck that, do it yourself, but everyone that knows me will know that I wouldn’t do that to him. I care too much to let that happen. It just frustrates me when it happens of course because I’m a human and I can never just be fucking happy with the things that I have and the situations that I put myself into. At this point I’m just stressed out and I don’t know what to do. But of course It’s my fault anyway but we all know i’m going to bitch about it because that’s what I do. I’m just sick of the way things happen in my life at the moment. I’m working on changing the way that I view it, but there’s only so much of that I can do at the same time. Otherwise I would magically be able to just be content with the way things happen in my life. I guess the only issue is that I tend to feel under appreciated like most of the time none of the things that I do in my life or for him are good enough.. I know that he appreciates the things that I do for him, as he tells me occasionally, but I just don’t know sometimes. And of course tomorrow is the 27th and we have been together for 8 months but I’m not even sure that he remembers. I asked him if he wanted to do something earlier and he just completely disregarded it like I was asking for no reason. I know he knows that the 27th is the 27th but I’m not sure that he will even be around tomorrow really or if it even matters anymore. I know it matters but you get the point nonetheless. I’m obviously far too stressed out at this point for any of it to really matter that much. I just need to do what I always do and freak out and get on with my day. I know as soon as I finish this I will most likely go get a shower and then be fine, like normal. Let’s just hope that by the time John reads this he doesn’t get pissed off, cuz god forbid that’s the last thing I want to do at this point. That’d definitely make me wanna scoop my head off. At the moment I don’t want to for once I am just drastically overwhelmed. I just don’t get how I can be so happy yet in turn be so unhappy with certain things in my life at the same time. At the very least he realized that I started crying while I was writing this and of course actually cares, but it also kind of seemed like just my crying pissed him off, which is the exact opposite of what I want. I just wonder how much of my day I spend trying to make him happy or doing things for him/with him that I should technically be focusing on something else in my life. But that will NEVER happen as I love him to death and I need him. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t spend the time I do with him or on him. He’s my world and I love him to death.
Those random questions…the what would you do if’s. Randomly this evening John decides to ask me a what if. This particular what if pertaining to what I would do if he hid the chocolate chips, currently on the kitchen counter, in the new bag that he got me for Christmas. How am I supposed to respond to such random questions? On the bright side, however, he just lit a woodland spice incense stick and it smells absolutely delicious!
Another thing that I find intriguing is that apparently it’s a massive deal that I let a pencil on the coffee table…Not like there aren’t usually ammo cans or ammo crates all over the place that I constantly trip over. I’m sure it will be just yet another thing that I will end up mentioning to the counselor that I have started talking to since the day that I freaked out on campus and walked into his office asking if I could talk to him since I pretty much wanted to slit my wrists because of my advisor basically making me feel like my life was a living hell. It was she that recommended I take intermediate accounting early anyway. I didn’t want to be in that class, but I figured that since she was recommending it that it would be a good decision for me….I was so WRONG about that. It has done nothing but make me want to shoot myself in the face since the beginning of the semester. I can’t wait until the semester is over and I’m done with her class. I just wish that I didn’t have to deal with her for part two next semester.
Also I’m getting slightly nervous about our play for our final on Tuesday. Not because of my part, but because of others in our group of ten. I just know that most of us want this play to be over since it’s worth over 500 points of our final grade. On the nice side of things once we are done with our play on Tuesday then all we have to do is show up the rest of the semester for attendance. Going Tuesday also means that we can get our play out of the way before Thanksgiving break and we can get on with our lives and concentrate on our other finals. This evening while I was at play practice when we turned all the lights off I happened to look down and I realized that my nails glow under the stage lights! It was actually rather intense to realize that they went from being teal to a bright florescent green with red flowery accents 🙂
All in all nothing to major to update about. Just trying to get through the rest of the semester at this point and hoping that my grades will be alright. Next semester things are going to have to be a little different as opposed to the way they are now. I wish I could redo this entire semester and try a lot harder on everything that I have done. But that’s unrealistic and I can only try and fix things from here. So here’s hoping that I can make things work!
I just finished four chapters worth of homework assignments for my Accounting Information Systems class. I am rather tired at this point but I am really happy that I made the decision to stay up and finish it. Now that is one less thing that I have to worry about for the rest of the semester. Hopefully I can get my 7 page paper finished before too long…if I start it…and then that will also be out of the way. Finding time to do it will be the only issue :o. I also have to go to 14 more hours of theatre meetings before we present our final project on the 26th, which conveniently, is the same day that my paper is due. I just wish that there was some way that I could easily break things down and get them done one by one, but unfortunately multi-tasking and working on things over time seems to be the only way that I have been able to do things lately. For whatever reason all of my stress with school I have been taking out towards John. I’m capable of recognizing that I do it, but no matter how much I try not to it always seems to happen one way or another. I just hope he realizes everything that I have on my schedule and that I am doing it for our future together and that I want the best for us, even if it means I have to put more effort into it now rather than later. I just need this semester to be over, it was not what I expected it to be at all. I’m more worried about his grades at this point than my own but I don’t know what to do to make him want to try for school. There isn’t really much that I can do really. I’ve attempted making him get up and go, but it just isn’t worth it. I hate it there, what’s for me to tell him that he needs to go if I don’t even want to be there myself. That would just make me a hippocritical bitch, and I try to avoid that at all costs. Even as we speak he could be reviewing for his biology test, or doing the comp work that I’ve been doing for him, but instead he’s watching Southpark and (cute as hell) comments about how he hopes that I’m not being too hard on him. Well I hate to break it to him, but I’m sure he’ll probably feel bad about himself after reading this, I know that, and I feel bad, but I’m not going to change the way I view my self and our life together just to make him feel better while reading my blog post. I love him to death and he knows it, but reality is reality. I fuck off a lot too, I can’t really say anything at all. But I just hope that he is happy with me. I’ve been questioning it lately. He seems pretty miserable, but I’m hoping that it’s just me overreacting….I can’t risk losing him just because our lives are stressful or anything else really. If there’s anything I can do to prevent things ending badly I will of course because I want to keep him as long as he wants to be around. I hope to be his wife some day, even though I know that is a long way off it at least gives me something to look forward to. Despite how miserable my life could seem at one point or another I am happy with him. I might not NEED him to survive, but I’m not sure that I’d live happily if he wasn’t in my life now that I’ve known what it’s like to have him with me.
My job seems to be getting quite frustrating. I am not as miserable as I was for a while being there but just the entire concept of what I do everyday doesn’t really seem to be beneficial whatsoever. I mean okay, the customer service portion, sure. It could be helpful to someone at some point. But still the random government surplus that I list on E-Bay all day. I don’t think the world would implode or anything if my job just magically disappeared. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy that I have my job, ecstatic, and I honestly get overpaid to do what I do. I’m quite grateful for my position, I just wish that it did something more…noticeable I guess. I mean I doubt that my job really affects anyone else’s life in a positive way, unless of course you like getting screwed on shipping prices because I have pretty much mastered that, and I’m just bored with it. I spend about two hours today altogether on the phone with random strangers throwing a royal fit about how they think that $18.00 is too much for shipping. Well, first of all most of our items end up shipping from Pennsylvania to California, a decent distance, and we get stuck paying for it if we didn’t charge the customer enough to begin with. So no, I’m not about to chance your item selling for $9.99 and undercharging you on shipping. Most computer stores screw you on their prices anyway, what with their $30-60/hour labor costs on top of your parts. Would you expect anything less from a computer store that lists government surplus? Well if you did have expectations…you shouldn’t. Occasionally there are a few amusing items that I come across but I could probably list a laptop or a barcode scanner in my sleep at this point. I usually love the laid-back desk work that I get to do though. The occasional heavy lifting might be necessary, but other than that it’s pretty enjoyable. Haha if only I could multi-task, clone myself, and feed orphans in my free time or something :p I might not feel like half of my life is completely worthless. On the bright side my co-worker, who is normally a massive bitch, gave me some free candy today! Hopefully it wasn’t poisoned or anything, but we’ll surely find out in a few days if I turn up dead or something drastic.
On another note, school is still pretty annoying overall. I am finally caught up for the most part. At this point I just hope that the rest of this semester goes well and maybe I will approach next semester with a better outlook. In theory I should probably talk to a counselor about trying to not scoop my head off while being an accounting major…but I just haven’t gotten around to it.
It seems like it has been far too long since my last update, even if it has just been a few days. So much has happened in the past few days. I found out that the cold that I had that wouldn’t go away was pneumonia and that I needed to be on all sorts of medication to get the cough to go way from it. I guess I was to the point where my lungs were starting to become inflamed since I wasn’t taking anything and spent a vast majority of my day sounding like a dying animal. Anyway, I am at least taking things now to start to try and get myself back to normal. I have also been pretty much just drinking Benadryl right out of the bottle since Friday morning. My P.A. advised me that it would make me feel a lot better, and it does. I felt a little too good actually. So with some extensive internet research…..*cough* one visit to urban dictionary…..I have realized that Benadryl is being used as a cheap/quick high for the kiddies now a days. Ah the things we subject ourselves to just to remember or forget our pasts. I’m sure that’ll probably do some decent internal organ damage over time. Speaking of, I was rather surprised that I didn’t get carded when I went to purchase the Benadryl. I get carded to buy ammo, which of course won’t do much damage unless it gets ridiculously hot or I load it in a firearm, but no just take the Benadryl no questions asked. They probably assume you won’t be able to open the fucking bottle anyway with those stupid fucking child lock caps so it doesn’t even matter that all you have to do is drink a decent amount before you start tripping. Cuz that makes fucking sense…
On the bright side even sense I have been downing a drastic amount of Benadryl I have been quite happier and have gotten a crap ton more done and I have been so much more productive it’s unreal.