So Happy, Yet I’m Crying Nonetheless

I feel bad for even thinking it but I feel like sometimes I put a lot more effort into things than John does. I mean I understand that some of the things that I view as important he could care less about; but still I don’t know what to think some times. Like tomorrow: I know that I am going to go to work for at least 8 hours and then come home and probably end up going to help him at his job. As far as I am aware his plans for tomorrow consist of going to his parents to drop off some tables and pick up a few things and then going with his friends to fuck around. A.I feel like things of this nature happen a lot, even if he isn’t physically with friends he still seems to be doing something I consider “unproductive”. On a side note I don’t trust any of his friends whatsoever after they convinced him to cheat on me with some skank. And no, I’m not just calling her a skank because he had sex with her. It’s because anyone that lets several guys gang bang her is a FUCKING SKANK. end of story. Anyway back to what I was originally ranting about. I know he spends a decent amount of time on youtube, facebook, xbox etc throughout the week. Don’t get me wrong I do my fair share of fucking around but no where near the amount that he does. Even today he asked me to read a paper for him and I pretty much just ended up writing the rest of the one he had started and his next one while he played xbox with his friends. I realize that I could have easily said fuck that, do it yourself, but everyone that knows me will know that I wouldn’t do that to him. I care too much to let that happen. It just frustrates me when it happens of course because I’m a human and I can never just be fucking happy with the things that I have and the situations that I put myself into. At this point I’m just stressed out and I don’t know what to do. But of course It’s my fault anyway but we all know i’m going to bitch about it because that’s what I do. I’m just sick of the way things happen in my life at the moment. I’m working on changing the way that I view it, but there’s only so much of that I can do at the same time. Otherwise I would magically be able to just be content with the way things happen in my life. I guess the only issue is that I tend to feel under appreciated like most of the time none of the things that I do in my life or for him are good enough.. I know that he appreciates the things that I do for him, as he tells me occasionally, but I just don’t know sometimes. And of course tomorrow is the 27th and we have been together for 8 months but I’m not even sure that he remembers. I asked him if he wanted to do something earlier and he just completely disregarded it like I was asking for no reason. I know he knows that the 27th is the 27th but I’m not sure that he will even be around tomorrow really or if it even matters anymore. I know it matters but you get the point nonetheless. I’m obviously far too stressed out at this point for any of it to really matter that much. I just need to do what I always do and freak out and get on with my day. I know as soon as I finish this I will most likely go get a shower and then be fine, like normal. Let’s just hope that by the time John reads this he doesn’t get pissed off, cuz god forbid that’s the last thing I want to do at this point. That’d definitely make me wanna scoop my head off. At the moment I don’t want to for once I am just drastically overwhelmed. I just don’t get how I can be so happy yet in turn be so unhappy with certain things in my life at the same time. At the very least he realized that I started crying while I was writing this and of course actually cares, but it also kind of seemed like just my crying pissed him off, which is the exact opposite of what I want. I just wonder how much of my day I spend trying to make him happy or doing things for him/with him that I should technically be focusing on something else in my life. But that will NEVER happen as I love him to death and I need him. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t spend the time I do with him or on him. He’s my world and I love him to death.


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