Finally.

I’m in a bit of a hurry so this isn’t going to be a drastically long post but anyway :p Finals are finally over, thank god! I have been waiting for this moment for months. I just submitted my last assignment and I can finally say FUCK THIS SEMESTER. This entire semester has been one massive suck fest. I now can focus on work and the other things I need to do like clean our apartment. I am definitely happy to have John around. He has helped me a lot throughout this semester and I don’t know what I’d do without him. I hope that I have time to clean a little bit at least before John comes home tonight. It sucks in a way because I want to clean up but I know that a lot of the stuff is his and I don’t like moving his stuff but I sure as hell don’t want it where half of it is laying. It’s also difficult because our tree is massive and is sort of in the way a little bit, but it’s magnificent nonetheless. It just keeps dropping needles and scares the hell out of me. It will be completely quiet in here and then all I hear is an unfamiliar rustling noise.

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And the fear heightens

In getting increasingly concerned about John and my’s relationship. It seems like one second we are fine and he is happy and the next everything seems different. I think at this point part of it is me.  I don’t feel attractive whatsoever and I’m far beyond a depressive mess. He used to do things like tell me i was pretty, but that was also before… He doesn’t really do that any more unless we are in the middle of having sex. Occasionally he will but i really don’t feel like i deserve it anyway. On top I’d everything else he spends most of the time he’s with me watching something on the internet, on Facebook, or on x box. I mean yeah there’s times when I’m doing things as well but he does it pretty consistently. I just wish we lived in a different time where things like this didn’t exist. Maybe then i wouldn’t be lying in bed alone crying as i write this all out.  Not only are we mid finals week but for whatever reason I’ve also skipped a period which of course freaks me out since i tend to let John cum inside me. Like any normal human i took a pregnancy test, it came up negative but that still means something isn’t right and i don’t have time for something else to be wrong with me. I love lying in bed talking to John but he always waits until the middle of the night and it’s always when i have something important or early the next day. I just wish i could function on no sleep and be able to ignore the things that aggravate me. I need to be happy, I’m just not sure how to make it happen. I love him more than anything else in my world and i need him beside me. He is my only real motivation and he is what my life is centered  around. There’s a reason i get upset when he’s upset, whether I’m even around or not, and why i can finish his sentences…. He is mine and i wouldn’t change that for anything at all ❤

Looking into the Darkness

I’m lying here trying to sleep but for some reason sleep just won’t come….i am really starting to think its just because John isn’t here and it’s hard for me to relax. Its so weird to just be lying here in the dark, looking out into the distance, missing him more than I usually do when he isn’t here. At times i think to myself that I shouldn’t move to drastically or I might wake him and then I remember that it doesn’t matter because he isn’t here. I definitely miss him the most at night. I long to have him beside me and just to have him next to me is the most amazing feeling in the world. I know he’s there if I need anything and even if I don’t I still know he’s mine. I know that he’ll keep me safe and and I have nothing to worry about. I’m happy for once which is an astonishing feeling to realize that at the very least I have him and if nothing else he’ll always be there for me. Even on nights like this he attempts to keep me as safe as possible, leaving me access to defensive technology to use at my own discretion if i deem it necessary. I love him more and more with each passing day, time seems to be flying with him in my life, but I’m not sure how to slow things down long enough to enjoy them thoroughly…