As I sit here looking around me I realize that I should be doing more. It doesn’t seem like I can ever manage to catch up with the things that I should be doing. I know I currently have 12 assignments that I need to work on for school. All of which I’m sure will be relatively time consuming. There are also a decent chunk of household chores that I need to catch up on as well. Our living room is pretty disorganized at the moment and I want to have everything straightened up for when John comes home. I want to be able to share my achievements with him. The past few days with him have been amazing. Yesterday we went gun shop hopping for our one year anniversary. We came across an M38 which I bought mainly for John, but also for myself. This was a first for me since I have never done the paperwork for a firearm before. It was a really interesting experience. Then after that we got taco bell and I ended up buying John an underfold AK, which I can already tell he loves. I’m not even sure how long he played with it last night before we went to sleep. As he was playing with them I noticed that he kept switching back and forth between the two new guns, almost like he wasn’t sure which he liked more. It was ADORABLE. After we bought him the AK we stopped at the Altoona mall and I got a couple new pairs of flip flops since I am down to two pairs that are close to breaking. He also bought me new leggings since the ones I have need replaced. On top of that he let me pick out a ring. It was a little more than either of us planned on spending but it’s beautiful and I love it. He still has it hidden somewhere however, and I can’t wait until he actually surprises me with giving it to me. Even though I know what the ring looks like it doesn’t take away from any of the wonderment that surrounds the entire thing for me. I actually like that he let me pick it out so that I’m not disappointed with what I get. Not that I think he would disappointment me, but so that it doesn’t happen anyway. I love John to death and I’m so glad that I have him in my life.
I wish that it was possible for me to magically snap my fingers and make it so that there were no physical complications for my body. I feel like I owe it to John to make myself function better. I know he needs me to be better so that I can help him be a better person. Every time that it seems like things are going to be okay with me, something seems to happen and I just don’t always know how to fix it. I wish that I could just throw on a pair of running shoes and run until I am finally happy with myself…ultimately I wish I could run until John was happy with me. Until I can make him happy again.
I’m not sure whether he is happy or not. I know if I ask him he usually says that he is happy, and in a sense I feel that he is, but then sometimes I question it. Sometimes I feel the same way about myself. Then again, I don’t know how I feel about things anymore. I wonder if I am doing something internally that makes it so that I can’t be truly happy. I don’t know if there is something I need to do or if I just need to push through whatever funk I seem to be in and fully embrace the fact that I have a John and he loves me more than anyone else ever has.
I took back the starter for my vehicle today. They are supposed to be refunding the full amount that I paid for it to my credit card. I really hope that it actually goes through so that I don’t have to pay for it. If I remember correctly I think it was about $130, so yeah, it will be awesome to have that refunded. It’s less that I’ll have to pay back in the end. At least I can manage to spend my money. I have access to a lot of credit options and yet I can control myself. Surprising, considering the other elements of my life that I can’t control.
After I took back the starter I FaceTimed with my cousin Lindsay, since she moved to Florida. I remember when I was little how much I looked up to her and wanted to do things just like she did. Then one day everything changed. I found out that she was sleeping around and that she smoked marijuana. Everything changed at the point since I realized that she had been lecturing me for years about never having sex and never drinking and never doing drugs. Everything that she started doing just came as a bit of a shock to me since I had sat through countless lectures from her over the years. She seems pretty different now though. Even while we were FaceTiming she seemed distracted, like she didn’t even have time for me, but I know she’s busy, so maybe it was just that…
It has come to my attention that there are a few people who have a drastic problem with me and the things that I say, write, and think. First of all there is this girl who just started a new job with me, Lyssa, and she is in way over her head. For whatever reason she thinks that she should just be able to jump right in and do all the tasks that she wants to do. NO. It does not work that way. Where I work you start from small tasks, like learning to pack and cleaning mice, and EVENTUALLY you will work your way up to more responsibility. When I first started there, almost two years ago, I packed, cleaned mice, and did other odd jobs for about the first six months. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that she should have to wait that long just because I did, but it needs to be evaluated and she needs to get a good understanding of the things that she is learning before she is allowed to learn more. I hate when people want to do many different things, badly, instead of doing a few things extremely well. Pace yourself, get a feel for whatever your doing, and then move on when it is obvious that you are ready to do so. The only major problem that I have with her is that she does not really seem to have a filter on her mouth whatsoever. She desperately needs to think about the things she says before she says them. She has already crossed the line a few times, upset most of us at least once with something that she has said, and even gone to the extent of asking, while our boss was in earshot, about whether his granddaughter was in Playboy or not. Completely uncalled for in my opinion, and I tend to take things too far sometimes on my own.
John also has expressed that he has a problem with the amount of information that I share within my blog. I understand where he is coming from but there is one thing that I feel he does not quite understand. I do not keep a diary or a journal or any of that. This is my only real record of my life, aside from memories which have a tendency to fade after time. Knowing that I am not keeping all of my thoughts, feelings, desires, and just my life in general to myself is a way for me to cope with everything that I have been through and everything that is yet to come. My blog is anonymous for a reason, so that I can have my life separate from what I write here. I do not want those lines crossing one another. There are few people in my actual life that know about my blog. John, as far as I know, is the only one that actually has the link to find it. My cousin asked me about it one day because she knows that it exists but I refused to give her the link. In all honestly I have vented things here about her that I felt at the time, and she does not really need to read them. She has been confronted about the things I have mentioned in the past, but people tend to overreact when they think that the entire world can see what they have done in the past. Honestly though, the entire world does not care. No one does aside from the people that you see every day. Even those who have decided to follow my blog, thanks by the way, never really care about the things I do. Unless you know me in person, you probably just think I am interesting, bitchy, etc. Things happen, I then write about them, but it never really affects anyone else but maybe John and I. It really only affects him because he bothers to take the time out of his day to read what I write. I do the same for him. Do I like what he says all the time, OF COURSE NOT, he is human just like the rest of us. In the end, however, he is still mine and I cherish the time I get to spend with him. He might make my life seem more difficult, and maybe he does, but I care about him more than anything. I do not reiterate the bad things between us in my blog just to upset him or tell the world. There is just no point in remembering the good things if you do not recognize that the bad things happened and do whatever is necessary to move on from them and change your life for the better. Writing out the good things between us as well as the terrible things helps me move on from anything that has happened and make my best effort to reclaim my life and be a better person for him. He usually deserves better than what I bring to the table, but he is still here, so I must be doing something right.
On a side note: I keep having these terrible nightmares. They are usually of either him cheating on me, or vice versa. This morning I had a weird dream that Matt had called me and for whatever reason my mom took me to where he was, and we ended up with his parents. My mom left to go to some party, and then I had to be introduced to Matt’s parents, who I had apparently never met, and it was a complete disaster. This would never happen, yet it freaked me out just because there was no reason for the dream whatsoever. The entire time during this dream I kept thinking “how did I end up here”, “where’s John” “I need to get away”. Luckily when I woke up I realized I was dreaming and I managed to calm down. I felt really bad about what I had done, even though I didn’t even do it in reality. Yesterday I woke up crying because I had a dream that John was openly cheating on me, and this dream seemed way too real, It made me realize that despite my ability to live without him, I do not want to. John makes my life seem more complete and he has me for as long as he wants me as his own. As soon as I woke up from this dream I moved into his arms and cried myself back to sleep. I need these nightmares to stop, they just need to.
Things have taken a turn for interesting. I guess one of my acquaintances thinks that she might be pregnant. She apparently thought that it would be a good idea to confide that in me…but she isn’t aware of everything that I just went through with the abortion either. Had she known that she probably would have asked someone else’s opinion. I talked to her about her potential options. She has come to the conclusion that she can’t really afford to have an abortion, nor does she want one even if she could afford it. However, she currently is failing out of college, her mom moved away, and she has no job at all. Her baby daddy is only a cohabitant with her and still sleeping with her. She also stopped taking the birth control she was on almost six months ago, so it isn’t really a surprise that she is pretty sure she’s pregnant considering they weren’t being safe either. Things will work themselves out I guess, one way or another. I just hope that if she is pregnant and decides to go through with having the baby that she is capable of being an adult and either stepping up to take care of it or gives it to someone who is willing to do so. In the meantime I just told her that if she had any questions or if she wanted any advice I’d try to help out as best as I could. I know she wants a baby but I personally don’t believe that now is a good time for that whatsoever. I feel like she should get her life back on track and actually have the means to take care of herself, let alone a child, before she jumps into it. I’m not saying that she should have an abortion, there’s always adoption and other things of that nature, but she definitely has a few decisions that she needs to make.
This time last year I was sitting on a beach in Mexico, probably not sober at all, and having a wonderful time with my new friends. It is so odd to think about where I was just one year ago. My life has changed so much in that amount of time. For the most part I have stopped drinking, my grades have dropped a pretty significant amount, and so much more. I never would have though that I would end up living with the kid that sat in front of me in history who barely glanced at me. It also blows my mind that a year ago Matt was such a big part of my life and now he’s pretty much nothing more than a contact in my phone. I remember getting off the plane from Mexico, I didn’t even go home first, I went to meet Matt so that we could hookup since he was upset that I hadn’t seen him in over a week, and I never told him I was leaving at all. However, in my defense, I didn’t know that I was required to inform the guy that used me as a booty call that I was leaving the country…apparently there are all sorts of unwritten rules that I didn’t know. Oh well, it’s a bit late for that now, not like it matters anymore anyway. I’m really glad that I am no longer reliant on someone who doesn’t really care about me. I have John and it’s nice to know that he is going to come home every night and that I can trust him for the most part. I know that there have been altercations between us from time to time but he is here for me nonetheless. Plus he just brought me a snack!
I’m so fucking sick of nothing ever going as planned. Idk why I bother making any plans what so ever anymore if they just disintegrate anyway. There were several people who claimed they were hoping to do things with me for my birthday, which never happened. It’s been over a week, I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised given a few of the people in question. I mean my cousin has done nothing but pretty much blow me off since the end of first semester, and now she has a boyfriend which makes making any plans with her pretty much impossible. She says that I need to plan in advance with her but she can never make plans ahead of time because she’s never sure what she has to do. So yet again that doesn’t work at all either. She claims she cares but she’s just busy, yet there doesn’t seem to be time for me in get life whatsoever anymore. I see her at work for a few hours a week but they is completely different, it’s not like it’s that difficult to set aside 20 minutes every couple weeks or so, but apparently that is too much to ask for. Unless she needs my help with something I barely see her anymore. It’s just frustrating considering I used to spend almost every day with her.
I ended up sleeping until around 11 this morning. It was slightly mind blowing. I realized upon waking up this morning that I am definitely sick. I usually never sleep past 9 and yet, I couldn’t manage to get up this morning at all. Thankfully John managed to find a starter for my car. We had to drive to williamsport to pick it up, but it was definitely worth it. Plus it gave us an excuse to go to taco bell, which was delicious as always. It’s only 8 and I feel pretty tired already. I did however accomplish a 45 minute quiz on classical music, a discussion post with three replies to other people’s posts, which no one cares about of course. On top of those I helped John and helped do his to wit statements for one of his classes. I’m planning on doing some more work, along the lines of economics and math, before John gets home at midnight. I’m also hoping that there is some way I can relax a little since I do feel pretty terrible still. I just want to get enough finished that I can get a shower and settle in for the night. I just like when I can stand in the water, feeling it burn my skin, and I can forget the rest of the world for a while. I, however, also miss having sex with John. Since the abortion, we still are under advisement not to have sex, and I know he has managed to get off since then, but i’ve had absolutely nothing. I miss him, but I’m terrified because I feel like nothing is going to be the same again. I feel like he’s going to be overly freaked out, despite new birth control, and he won’t be able to do things as he did before. Change terrifies me and I’m terrified to lose him if I can’t make him happy, or worse…if he can’t make me happy. I love my life with him, but sometimes it seems as if I’m neglected with certain things and I feel as if I neglect him with most of what I do for him. I just have so many other things that I focus on it’s difficult to relax enough to put the effort in with him sometimes.
I know that I’m far from being prefect. There are way too many flaws with my appearance. My feet are crunchy, my calves are losing tone, my thighs are gigantic, I still have excess weight from being pregnant, my upper body has lost all of the strength it once held, and apparently it’s too difficult to keep up with my hair/makeup attendance. No longer swimming makes me feel as if I lost a vital part of my life, but I’ve aged and injured out. The only option left would be college swimming and the coach is the same coach I had when I was previously injured. He dealt with me through my complications and vowed that he was not willing to mentor me any further as he wouldn’t be responsible for my killing myself by pushing myself too far. It’s who I was however, who I am still. I wanted to keep going but without being allowed to compete there isn’t much I can do about it. Joel was always there for me with anything I needed and I feel as if I let him down by getting sick, but I know that it wasn’t actually in my control. I wish there was some way that I could just magically transform myself into who I wish I was. Impossible I know….I managed to work out earlier. It made me feel a little better at first but then the same controlling feelings came back, like always. I want to go running, but it’s a little cold for that in the middle of the night and without John with me I don’t really feel safe to do so. The last thing I need is to be captured and raped or something even more horrendous than that disastrous fate. I just don’t want to go back to being super overly obsessive about my weight but looking at myself makes me sick. I don’t understand how John can manage to put up with me. I have had about a 0% sex drive recently, which is far from normal for me, and I’m about 99% sure that it’s because I can’t even stand to look at myself in a mirror without feeling as if i’m completely failing myself. I might expect too much out of myself but it’s a defensive mechanism learned when no one expects anything of you.
I’ve slowly come to realize that there is no physically possible way for me to do all the things in a day that I want to do. Most of these are things that I find necessary household/school related chores that should be completed but that I just haven’t been able to find the time to smash everything into one day. I just wish that there was a way for me to make it happen, and I know that even if I try to do things harder, more efficiently, it’s still impossible. That being the realistic view anyway.
Among other things. Ugh my one couch pillow (currently near my face) smells like hookah smoke. It is rather unpleasant. I’m going to have to get some type of febreeze or something. Aside from everything going on John is sick and I’m rather worried about him as I have yet to see him sick like this since I’ve met him. I am concerned about his overall well being of course as I’m not sure that he should be pushing himself the way that he has been. I’m sure he probably feels the same way about me sometimes though too. Or I’d hope that he might…but he’s home now so I’m going to end my otherwise meaningless rant and get on with my actual life.
So I went through with the abortion. Worst experience I have ever been through, quite honestly. Anyone who says it isn’t unpleasant or painful is a fucking liar. I have a decently high pain tolerance given that I’m used to having gallbladder attacks, even though they already took it out, pretty often. This is a completely different type of pain altogether. The actual experience itself wasn’t that much of an immediate emotional issue like everyone warns, that came much later. I was also thrilled when the doctor performing the surgery decided to heighten his lies and inject more Novocain into my cervix (extremely unpleasant). I had nightmares last night about everything that had happened. I’m hoping that they don’t persist and it was a one time type thing. My family doctor switched the birth control that I was taking and upped my dosage since John apparently has like super sperm that can manage to knock me up despite precautions being taken. I mean that, in theory, is a love hate relationship for me. I dislike that he has good sperm in the sense that it means we have to up my dosage for my birth control(hopefully it doesn’t mess with my emotions and things too much). However, I love that he has awesome sperm in the sense that when we decide that we are ready and can handle a child that it shouldn’t take too much effort for us to actually get me pregnant on purpose.
Aside from all of that I managed to finally put the laundry away today that John brought inside, I cleaned our bedroom and I picked up stuff in the livingroom a little bit. I also sent in an order for things I was buying, cashed my check, balanced my checkbook, went through receipts, changed our bed sheets, worked for my parents for a couple hours, and got a shower. Among a few other miscellaneous things that I’m sure I forgot to mention. Oh, by the way. Today is my birthday…John came out to find me as soon as he woke up this morning and he seemed so cute as he hovered over me and kissed me and told me happy birthday again. He can be astronomically cute sometimes ❤ I love having him in my life and he made my birthday special for me before he had to leave to go to work. I'm glad that I have him in my life, he just encourages me more than any person I have ever met before, no matter what. I love him!