I know that I’m far from being prefect. There are way too many flaws with my appearance. My feet are crunchy, my calves are losing tone, my thighs are gigantic, I still have excess weight from being pregnant, my upper body has lost all of the strength it once held, and apparently it’s too difficult to keep up with my hair/makeup attendance. No longer swimming makes me feel as if I lost a vital part of my life, but I’ve aged and injured out. The only option left would be college swimming and the coach is the same coach I had when I was previously injured. He dealt with me through my complications and vowed that he was not willing to mentor me any further as he wouldn’t be responsible for my killing myself by pushing myself too far. It’s who I was however, who I am still. I wanted to keep going but without being allowed to compete there isn’t much I can do about it. Joel was always there for me with anything I needed and I feel as if I let him down by getting sick, but I know that it wasn’t actually in my control. I wish there was some way that I could just magically transform myself into who I wish I was. Impossible I know….I managed to work out earlier. It made me feel a little better at first but then the same controlling feelings came back, like always. I want to go running, but it’s a little cold for that in the middle of the night and without John with me I don’t really feel safe to do so. The last thing I need is to be captured and raped or something even more horrendous than that disastrous fate. I just don’t want to go back to being super overly obsessive about my weight but looking at myself makes me sick. I don’t understand how John can manage to put up with me. I have had about a 0% sex drive recently, which is far from normal for me, and I’m about 99% sure that it’s because I can’t even stand to look at myself in a mirror without feeling as if i’m completely failing myself. I might expect too much out of myself but it’s a defensive mechanism learned when no one expects anything of you.