Confronting those with Conflictions

It has come to my attention that there are a few people who have a drastic problem with me and the things that I say, write, and think. First of all there is this girl who just started a new job with me, Lyssa, and she is in way over her head. For whatever reason she thinks that she should just be able to jump right in and do all the tasks that she wants to do. NO. It does not work that way. Where I work you start from small tasks, like learning to pack and cleaning mice, and EVENTUALLY you will work your way up to more responsibility. When I first started there, almost two years ago, I packed, cleaned mice, and did other odd jobs for about the first six months. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that she should have to wait that long just because I did, but it needs to be evaluated and she needs to get a good understanding of the things that she is learning before she is allowed to learn more. I hate when people want to do many different things, badly, instead of doing a few things extremely well. Pace yourself, get a feel for whatever your doing, and then move on when it is obvious that you are ready to do so. The only major problem that I have with her is that she does not really seem to have a filter on her mouth whatsoever. She desperately needs to think about the things she says before she says them. She has already crossed the line a few times, upset most of us at least once with something that she has said, and even gone to the extent of asking, while our boss was in earshot, about whether his granddaughter was in Playboy or not. Completely uncalled for in my opinion, and I tend to take things too far sometimes on my own.
John also has expressed that he has a problem with the amount of information that I share within my blog. I understand where he is coming from but there is one thing that I feel he does not quite understand. I do not keep a diary or a journal or any of that. This is my only real record of my life, aside from memories which have a tendency to fade after time. Knowing that I am not keeping all of my thoughts, feelings, desires, and just my life in general to myself is a way for me to cope with everything that I have been through and everything that is yet to come. My blog is anonymous for a reason, so that I can have my life separate from what I write here. I do not want those lines crossing one another. There are few people in my actual life that know about my blog. John, as far as I know, is the only one that actually has the link to find it. My cousin asked me about it one day because she knows that it exists but I refused to give her the link. In all honestly I have vented things here about her that I felt at the time, and she does not really need to read them. She has been confronted about the things I have mentioned in the past, but people tend to overreact when they think that the entire world can see what they have done in the past. Honestly though, the entire world does not care. No one does aside from the people that you see every day. Even those who have decided to follow my blog, thanks by the way, never really care about the things I do. Unless you know me in person, you probably just think I am interesting, bitchy, etc. Things happen, I then write about them, but it never really affects anyone else but maybe John and I. It really only affects him because he bothers to take the time out of his day to read what I write. I do the same for him. Do I like what he says all the time, OF COURSE NOT, he is human just like the rest of us. In the end, however, he is still mine and I cherish the time I get to spend with him. He might make my life seem more difficult, and maybe he does, but I care about him more than anything. I do not reiterate the bad things between us in my blog just to upset him or tell the world. There is just no point in remembering the good things if you do not recognize that the bad things happened and do whatever is necessary to move on from them and change your life for the better. Writing out the good things between us as well as the terrible things helps me move on from anything that has happened and make my best effort to reclaim my life and be a better person for him. He usually deserves better than what I bring to the table, but he is still here, so I must be doing something right.
On a side note: I keep having these terrible nightmares. They are usually of either him cheating on me, or vice versa. This morning I had a weird dream that Matt had called me and for whatever reason my mom took me to where he was, and we ended up with his parents. My mom left to go to some party, and then I had to be introduced to Matt’s parents, who I had apparently never met, and it was a complete disaster. This would never happen, yet it freaked me out just because there was no reason for the dream whatsoever. The entire time during this dream I kept thinking “how did I end up here”, “where’s John” “I need to get away”. Luckily when I woke up I realized I was dreaming and I managed to calm down. I felt really bad about what I had done, even though I didn’t even do it in reality. Yesterday I woke up crying because I had a dream that John was openly cheating on me, and this dream seemed way too real, It made me realize that despite my ability to live without him, I do not want to. John makes my life seem more complete and he has me for as long as he wants me as his own. As soon as I woke up from this dream I moved into his arms and cried myself back to sleep. I need these nightmares to stop, they just need to.

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