Things are Surprisingly Alright Still

I know that we haven’t had accident’s recently while engaging in sexual activity, but I was starting to get concerned that I might have been pregnant again. It was basically a terrifying experience over the past couple days. I, of course, didn’t mention it to John until after I knew for sure because there was no point in making him just as paranoid as I was. However, thank God, I was just being paranoid and I’m thankfully not pregnant. I love John to death but there was a reason that I had an abortion the first time. This isn’t a good time/place for us to be in our lives to have a child. Especially since John just got laid off from his job this past week. Surprisingly, I’m not too concerned about him getting laid off now that I know I’m not pregnant, because I know that he will find a job eventually. We’ll make it work somehow and I like that he is here when I get home from work most of the time now. I was getting used to him not being home and all that but I like that he is here for the most part. I do get concerned that there may be more arguments or just disagreements between the two of us if we spend more and more time together since the two of us tend to take our aggression out on each other.
We were watching Family Guy earlier and I think that it made a very good point when referring to addicts during an episode. Everyone is addicted to something for the most part, whether they realize it or not, and they are always overly occupied with something. Whether it’s alcohol, rehab, or an alternate habit that they develop to use as a distraction from their previous habits. Another thing that it reminds me of is when I used to drink rather heavily. I don’t know how I used to be able to function to get up and go to class everyday without anyone noticing. I don’t know if I just managed to hide it well or what, but I would think that someone should have noticed. My family didn’t care so I didn’t expect them to notice, but I would have thought that there should have been a person, whether it was in school or elsewhere, that should have attempted to step in. I mean I did have a 4.0 GPA nonetheless, but I wish that I could have changed the way that I did things back then. There are times when I wonder just how much I potentially messed up my life over the years, but I guess like always that’s part of the reason that i am the way I am today. Not that I really always like the way that I act now either.
We also got a cabinet from my parents today that I convinced John to put all of his tactical gear and other stuff inside. I’m glad that he decided to go through with the plan because it makes the living room seem a lot more organized and gives him a place to store his items that he has been listing on eBay as well as all of the items and accessories that he has been collecting in preparation for his 1919 to come from the guy that he has building it for him.
I’m anxious to see the way that my life unfolds over time. I know that things will probably work themselves out, but I’m anxious to see what happens with John and I. Things seem to be alright between us for right now, but of course you never know what can happen. I didn’t really expect him to take getting laid off as well as he seems to be taking it, which makes me really happy. When he first told me I was more concerned that I was going to have to deal with him freaking out and being massive depressive about the situation but I am definitely proud of the way that he is handling the entire thing.
On the bright side I think that John and I are finally going to get the chance to paint our bedroom, which makes me beyond happy. I hope that we can manage to get it done in a timely manner, because just the thought that it might be done soon makes me happy. We have picked out a pretty lighter yet deep blue color that John really likes. I’m happy that he likes the color, I don’t quite know if I would have picked that color myself, but as long as he likes it I am willing to compromise on the color. It’s not that I dislike the color we picked, just that I don’t know which one I would have picked myself. I probably would have chosen something more vibrant than the blue color that we are going to get. Originally I told him that when we got back from Farrandsville we would go pick up the paint from Wal-Mart but we both got side tracked I guess, and now we are sitting in the living room, watching Family Guy, and doing our own quiet activities. He is playing with his links and things and I am writing this update. At the very least I am glad that we are able to spend time together and do our own activities at the same time sometimes. I like that he is here with me and I’m still able to “do my own thing,” all while keeping him within range in case I need anything or just decide to express my gratitude towards all of things that he does for me. He seems to make my life seem a little more complete and that means a lot to me, especially knowing that he is here for me despite anything that might happen in either of our lives. Having someone who actually provides support in my life is something that I’m not really used to.

Aside

I’ve been dealing with a few things lately. It seems like as soon as I clean the apartment John has some event or something gets delivered and then things are a mess again. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, and he at least apologizes, but it can be frustrating at times. I mean yesterday I cleaned up a little bit and then today his 1919 tripod came and I’m sure I’ll head home to a small disaster.
On another note, I realized about halfway through my day at work that I pretty much forgot that it is my uncle’s birthday. That would have been bad considering he is one of the people that would take it personally and probably be upset about it. So I went upstairs from where I work and I got him a card. I plan on stopping there once I leave work so that I can at least give him the card. I think I’m going to stop at home and get the bottle of vodka in our freezer and give him that as a present. It’s not even opened and it’s not like John and I drink or anything. For being a last minute thing I guess it counts as a good present. I did live with them for over a year and all that. In theory he has definitely impacted my life over the years since he’s pretty much always been there if I needed anything.
At this point I’m just bored out of my mind and I’m having some trouble focusing on working, so I figured that I would update my blog. Matt was here until about a half hour ago keeping my at least partially entertained but he left because he too was also beyond bored and there are only so many things one can do to pretend that they are being productive before it starts to drive you nuts. Oh, fun story: this morning one of our distant aunts came in and expected my cousin Emily to be able to get her at least a fifty percent discount on her computer repair since our aunt had hemmed some of Emily’s pants for free about two years ago. Had our aunt mentioned this to Emily before she came to the store she may have been a little more prepared to handle the situation. Our aunt was being pretty ignorant about the entire thing, like we don’t even get discounts on anything that we would plan on buying. It’s kinda ridiculous in my opinion, but I guess that’s just how she is. Of course Emily is pretty upset about it, but it’s not like she is going to tell our aunt that considering she tries to avoid conflict.
Well, I think I am going to go back to making an attempt at being productive for the next 33 minutes, at least enough to try and clean up my desk.

Oh, Productivity

Ah summer

I sometimes question whether I have a potential addiction issue with Benadryl. I think it makes me feel better and it provides me with more energy. I’m not really sure if I actually have much of an allergy problem, but I do think that it helps with my sinuses. Any addiction issue that I may, probably though, have I think that I am very well aware of it and I can accept that. I like the way that it makes me feel and it’s not like it interferes with my life. It’s relatively cheap, I don’t do it all the time, and it doesn’t interfere with the work that I need to accomplish. It actually helps a lot. However, I imagine that John would have already mentioned to me, in a serious manner anyway, that he thinks I have a problem. I’m a little concerned with it but I plan to start trying to make a change with my eating habits and try and lose the weight that I gained when I was pregnant; I think that the Benadryl and maybe obsessive use of gum or something may also help with my attempt.

I need it to work though. I have a drastic issue with my appearance and I spend most days feeling like I an beyond fat. I just look repulsive. I know that I have had eating disorder complications in the past and I had gotten all of that straightened out up until recently. Before I was happy with the weight that I was and then I met John and my lifestyle changed, thus changing my entire image. This would be okay but I am no longer comfortable with myself and I just can’t take it. Honestly, I hate myself. The things I’ve done. They way I act. The way I am. Everything. Things are just so stressful that I tend to turn to eating as opposed to exercise as I don’t have much time and that’s exactly what John does. In one aspect I think that John and I feed off of each other’s energy a little too much sometimes. But right now. I’m done trying to hard, with everything. I will use this blog to vent when I feel that it’s necessary. I need something to be able to rely on, between knowing that I have this blog to vent to it helps. I try to vent to John but I usually feel like he doesn’t listen or that he just doesn’t care because he’s sick of listening to me bitch about my life. So I’m done. Things are going to have to change or I’m going to end up doing something stupid and losing the few things that I actually value in my life, which can’t happen. At the very least I am drinking lemon infused water at the moment which is quite good. I don’t mind healthy food, I just have a lack of motivation and feel pretty hopeless with my weight. I mean in reality I’m about 30 lbs heavier than I was before.