Ah summer

I sometimes question whether I have a potential addiction issue with Benadryl. I think it makes me feel better and it provides me with more energy. I’m not really sure if I actually have much of an allergy problem, but I do think that it helps with my sinuses. Any addiction issue that I may, probably though, have I think that I am very well aware of it and I can accept that. I like the way that it makes me feel and it’s not like it interferes with my life. It’s relatively cheap, I don’t do it all the time, and it doesn’t interfere with the work that I need to accomplish. It actually helps a lot. However, I imagine that John would have already mentioned to me, in a serious manner anyway, that he thinks I have a problem. I’m a little concerned with it but I plan to start trying to make a change with my eating habits and try and lose the weight that I gained when I was pregnant; I think that the Benadryl and maybe obsessive use of gum or something may also help with my attempt.

I need it to work though. I have a drastic issue with my appearance and I spend most days feeling like I an beyond fat. I just look repulsive. I know that I have had eating disorder complications in the past and I had gotten all of that straightened out up until recently. Before I was happy with the weight that I was and then I met John and my lifestyle changed, thus changing my entire image. This would be okay but I am no longer comfortable with myself and I just can’t take it. Honestly, I hate myself. The things I’ve done. They way I act. The way I am. Everything. Things are just so stressful that I tend to turn to eating as opposed to exercise as I don’t have much time and that’s exactly what John does. In one aspect I think that John and I feed off of each other’s energy a little too much sometimes. But right now. I’m done trying to hard, with everything. I will use this blog to vent when I feel that it’s necessary. I need something to be able to rely on, between knowing that I have this blog to vent to it helps. I try to vent to John but I usually feel like he doesn’t listen or that he just doesn’t care because he’s sick of listening to me bitch about my life. So I’m done. Things are going to have to change or I’m going to end up doing something stupid and losing the few things that I actually value in my life, which can’t happen. At the very least I am drinking lemon infused water at the moment which is quite good. I don’t mind healthy food, I just have a lack of motivation and feel pretty hopeless with my weight. I mean in reality I’m about 30 lbs heavier than I was before.

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