Fear and Hope

With the recent murder of a police officer within Pennsylvania I ended up thinking about how that’s what John wants to do with his career. The thought of him being a police officer worries me, of course, because I care about him and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, but I know that I have to encourage him to go towards his goals. I would be beyond proud of him the entire time, but I know that every day that he left for work I would be hoping and praying that that wouldn’t be the last time I got to kiss him goodbye. I mean the officer that was murdered was only 38, had been married 10 years, and left behind two children. It petrifies me to think about not having John in my life anymore and I can only imagine what the officer’s widow feels like. I’m not stupid, I know that John dying in the line of duty is always a possibility, just as it’s a possibility that he could die for some other reason, but it would still be hard to deal with overall. I depend on him for a lot of things, and I occasionally depend on him for my level of happiness as well. He manages to keep me balanced and reminds me why I bother doing some of the things that I do everyday. I hope that John can find a position that he likes within the criminal justice field and I hope that we can enjoy however much time the two of us will be blessed to have together. I know that sometimes both of us are temperamental and we might get irritated but I love my fiance to death and I don’t know what I would do without him in my life now that I’ve had him for so long. Ultimately he makes me happy and I am glad when I can do things for him and get to see him react in a grateful way. I know that occasionally I go out of my way to do things “over the top” for him in an attempt for his praise, but it’s a system that usually pays off for my self esteem, so it works for me.

John is working again, thank God. Just having him working back at TA again makes things so much better when it comes to my stress levels. I no longer have to work 40 hours a week while I’m in school, unless I choose to. I have still been working almost full time, but that is my choice to do so and John is typically at work anyway. He seems to be sleeping better as well which makes me so much happier. I know that it was irritating for him to try and sleep, especially when I could fall right asleep, but despite how much I cared there was really no way that I could stay awake with him until the early hours of the morning. I just wish that there was some way that I could get all of the things done at the house in the next day or two so that I could keep up with them a little better. I managed to do the dishes and clean the kitchen yesterday, which looks 10 times better than it did. The rest of the apartment is still a bit of a mess, but I had an assignment due by 9 tonight that I was working on this morning so that I can study for my quiz tomorrow when I get home without having to worry about having other things that need to be done. I’m not quite sure what time I will get out of work today since Emily is not coming in, Bonnie is leaving early, and Dick won’t be back until at least 2. My grandparents were potentially going to stop by today once I got home but If I’m not there in time, I don’t think they will wait around. The other employees that we have also aren’t here. Brittany had an appointment for the baby and isn’t coming in at all and Ryan is sick, again. So that just leaves me to be here all day and try and get a few things done. However, it is really quiet here today, and it is really nice for once. The television isn’t blaring and Dick isn’t running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Surprisingly, I feel pretty optimistic for once, hopefully it lasts.