Death, Destruction, and Future Fears

Things have been hectic lately, to say the least. I had a terrible cold that lasted a couple weeks, an excruciating set of exams, a death, a family cancer diagnosis, and my impending birthday. All four of the exams that I had to take were scheduled over a period of three days. On top of that I was given an assignment for a take home portion of one of my exams that was also a group question. So trying to coordinate timing with three other people who also had their own work schedules, studying, and personal lives to coordinate around became a bit of an issue. Despite the timing problems we ran into the issue that we had absolutely no idea how to solve the problem that we were working on, which ended up being a disaster. We resorted to buying the answers for a previous textbook to get the answers that we needed for the project. I have only received two of my four exam grades so far and as of right now I failed both of them. This, of course, makes me feel even more depressed than I already do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my schoolwork I’m just not good enough.

My boss’ mother also passed away the same week of my exams. This made a lot of things more difficult. Work became an issue because neither of my bosses were actually around that much as they were beginning to get things ready for the funeral. Her death was expected in a way, but I didn’t actually think that it would happen as soon as it did. Last Wednesday, the morning that she passed, she woke up and wasn’t even able to effectively communicate with anyone anymore. Her health has been slowly degrading over the past year, but it quickly deteriorated over the past two months. She got to the point recently that she wasn’t even allowed to be left alone because she kept falling and getting stuck wherever she fell. The viewing, funeral, and after luncheon were all this past Saturday. There ended up being a snow storm during the viewing and so all of the services were held inside the funeral home and then only the pallbearers and her children were the ones to go to the grave site. This was the first real funeral service or viewing that I have ever been to. The only other people that I’ve known to die were cremated and didn’t actually have formal services. The one thing that sticks in the back of my mind is that there were so many people who cared for this woman, but she was one of the most aggressive and slightly ungrateful people that I have ever met in my life thus far. Even in the last of her days my boss would come in to work and speak of the things that her mother had done or said to those around her, most of which were negative. A few days after her death it became known that she had put up with her abusive husband for years, before he finally left her to raise her eight children alone, and no one ever knew. It wasn’t something that she would have ever mentioned, but that’s one of those things in life. There are some things that you would never guess about someone, even if they might be close to you. I honestly have no idea how she managed to raise eight children by herself, some of which are the nicest people I know.

As for the family cancer diagnosis, my grandfather’s brother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me either considering he has been a smoker since he was a teenager. Seeing him in the hospital, paired with the recent death I was exposed to, has made me realize that I’m about to start losing those around me. Everyone I care about is getting older, as everyone does, and it makes me realize that I hate not being close to those around me. After the way I was brought up I’ve never really let myself get close to anyone around me. I’ve always used this as a coping mechanism since everyone walks away from me, probably because I push them away, when all I really want is for them to care about what happens to me. Sometimes I just want someone to show some interest in the things in my life, and know that if I need someone to talk to that they are actually going to be around when I need them. I’ve had countless people tell me that they’re “here if I need to talk” but in reality when I do reach out and try to tell them I need someone to talk to or want to make plans I consistently get blown off more often than not. Realistically, I’ve accepted that I don’t really have friends anymore, but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t hurt my feelings. With my birthday in a few days I’m wondering who’s even going to bother contacting me, and I’m anxious to see which of them I’ve even heard from since the last time they told me happy birthday. I don’t know what I’m going to do over the next few days, but I have decided that I’m not really going to do very many productive things until I’m no longer a teenager. I’ve put so much work into the things I’ve done and I’ve decided that I’m taking a break for the next couple days, whether I deserve it or not. If I don’t feel like doing something I’m not going to bother. When Monday happens I’ll return to the real world and I know I need to step up my game if I’m going to actually manage to keep my life together and to keep my fiancé happy. I know I haven’t been doing a good job lately at attending to his needs, but things in my world haven’t exactly been delightful. I’m sure he claims to understand, but I’m not sure if he realizes just how much the things that have been going on have affected me recently. Another thing that I am going to constantly affiliate with my birthday for the rest of my life is having the abortion a year ago. I know we joke about it and that it was really for the best, but I can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if I we hadn’t handled things the way we did.