Summer of Deliberate Expectations

I made the decision at the end of the semester that I wasn’t going to take any classes this summer. I have stuck to that decision and thus far I am glad that I have done so. I NEEDED this break. I wish that I could say otherwise because I feel that my needing a break is an ultimate sign of weakness, but it’s time. I should have one last full year left at Lock Haven and then I should be done. I can’t wait until I finish; I just want to get on with my life. Overall my plan for this summer is to regroup, get things straightened out, and get some of the small side projects that I have been planning to do accomplished.

I have started to do some of the side projects and started straightening my life out when it comes to things at home. I am ultimately grateful for this summer. The entire left side of my face, down into my shoulder is still numb, and the exact reason is unknown still. They claim there is a chance that I had a mini-stroke while I was under anesthesia, but they aren’t entirely sure. My motor skills are a little off and there have been minor memory issues. Lately I have been getting headaches as well. I’m not sure if they are migraine status, because I’m not used to getting headaches at all, but if I take Excedrine migraine pills they usually subside within 45 minutes or so.

When it comes to things with John and I it seems as if things have technically gotten a lot more complicated, but simpler at the same time. I love him to death, don’t get me wrong, but it seems that we have found a solution to our situation. In a way we have an “open relationship,” but at the same time we are more together than we have been. I feel like I can be a lot more tolerant of the things that he does which frustrate me. In a way I feel that I love him on a much deeper level, knowing that no matter what happens between the two of us we are still coming home to each other in the end. He is my best friend and I care for him deeply. I love spending time with him and getting to fall asleep next to him. At the same time, however, I like that I have options. I have used these “options” a couple times to be able to see Mattie and get “reacquainted” I guess you could say. Being with him is different, I know that Mattie doesn’t seem to care for me at all, just uses me for my attributes, but I still go nonetheless. Knowing that he doesn’t seem to want anything else from me is reassuring in a way, it makes me feel secure knowing that he isn’t going to try to compete for my attention. When it comes down to it, I typically feel like he doesn’t care about me at all, yet I still put myself through the process. Probably because whether he cares about me or not, I guess I probably care a little myself, whether I choose to or not. Feelings are feelings and you can’t really change those, just depends on whether you’re actually willing to accept and recognize the feelings that you experience. I choose to be honest with myself and open with John about the way that things are and it seems to be working thus far. Realistically, it’s no one else’s business, but it is what it is at this point.

The only thing that I dislike about the situation is that Mattie, and any person whom John is entitled to bring into the picture are wild cards. I like my life to be planned and executed in an organized and timely manner. It terrifies me that these “outsiders” might try to alter the status quo and that they aren’t going to be able to effectively recognize their places in our lives and overstep their boundaries. They are there for minor companionship, venting, and sex: typically nothing more. Jealousy is ultimately going to be an affecting factor as well, but thus far John and I have been honest about the jealous feelings as well, and it has worked to our benefit. Being able to talk things out is definitely a key factor in our processes. Without proper communication the system falls apart, but at the end of things we all die anyway. So if having sex with Mattie makes me happier and more tolerant, than I can deal with John’s desire to do the same when or if the time comes. I know he’s talked to another female, in a heated way, which sparked my jealousy of course, but I don’t have grounds to get upset if I am doing worse myself.