Everything is a whirlwind of disastrous events. One thing after another. My grandmother had fallen ill a few weeks back and ever since hasn’t been doing well. I’m assuming she’ll be alright, but it’ll take a little while for her to bounce back. Dealing with all of that is stressful, and then there was additional news about my great-grandmother. She has transitioned into total kidney failure and has decided that she doesn’t want to endure the inconvenience of dialysis. She plans to spend her final days at home. They’ve set up to have a hospice nurse check in on her every few days and give her whatever they can to keep her comfortable until she passes. She’s almost 90 so at this point, it is what it is.
John is John. Things are the same on the homefront for the most part.
In regard to work, there are so many miscellaneous things that I have to get taken care of. Somehow months of check scans got deleted from the server. Thank God I still have access to the scans in my e-mails. I just have to sift through months of e-mails and pull them all out one by one so that I can resave them to the server. On top of all that Mike just gave me another project. This one I technically don’t have to begin until 2018, but I feel like he expects me to start it well before then. I started it in one aspect. I’m just hoping that I can pull it off and make it as perfect as it should be. I wish there was some way that I could pull a full list of our suppliers from Epicor. It would make the entire process much smoother, but unfortunately I don’t think that list exists. It would make several things that I’m working on much easier. I’ve started to compile A/R & A/P contact lists for both companies that’ll be really helpful for me.
I’m not even sure when I updated this last….Things have been crazy busy as I tried to fall into a rhythm with this new job. Unfortunately, that still has yet to happen. I’m hopeful that it will eventually happen, but I’ve been working there since May and I keep thinking the next day will be better and it just keeps going in a cycle. It’s totally been a one step forward, two steps back type of situation. There’s always sooo much to do and I keep hoping to catch up, but I don’t know what I even need to do at this point. I brought home some of my work this weekend to at least try and formulate some kind of game plan.
Last night I was hoping to spend a nice night out with John, but things didn’t go as planned whatsoever. I was cranky from the time that I got home last night from work, which just made it worse. We just argued, or didn’t talk, for a majority of the trip to Williamsport and back. I wish there was some way that we could teleport back and have a redo, but that just isn’t the way things work. It doesn’t help that I’ve been so tired lately that I don’t even know what to do. I legitimately feel as if I’m functioning on autopilot. Everything I’ve been doing for the past week I can register in my brain that I’m completing the task, but I’m not retaining a damn thing at this point. If it weren’t for my continual to-do list I wouldn’t even know what day it is half the time.
Even today, I was scheduled to cover a shift for Miriam from 12-5 at Mill Hall. So, I’m sitting here. We didn’t have any appointments in the system and so far there haven’t been any walk-in clients either. This has been working out in my favor in one aspect. There was enough time for me to update my resume to add in all of the Jackson Hewitt information that I hadn’t bothered to add in. On top of that I was able to take a quiz that opened up today for my marketing class and take care of this coming week’s discussion post. I have another assignment that I’m going to jump into once I finish this post.
I needed to add in the resume information since I have a job interview with a marketing company tomorrow morning in State College. I don’t really know much about the company, but I’m hoping that it goes well. I don’t really know what to expect, but I’m just going to wing it at this point. When I submitted the application I didn’t actually think they were going to call me back, let alone ask me to come in for an interview. I put in the application on Thursday, they called me Friday, and set up the interview for Monday, so it’s been fast-paced so far.
Things seem to be blurring together at this point. Everything is so busy and there are still 12 more days until the end of the tax season. I’m ready for it to be over, but I don’t really want to go back to my regular job either. Things are getting increasingly stressful there since no one wants to work. I mean in the grand scheme of things we’re all just going to lose our jobs in the end when my boss decides to retire, so I can see where the frustration is coming from. The guys are both having health complications, Britt’s still off on maternity leave, Jake never comes in, and I’ve been off because of this godforsaken internship so none of the employees are showing up regularly, which is just making things so much worse. Everyone is getting on each other’s nerves and I really want to find another job.
I realized earlier today that to take the CPA exam I would have to put in another semester…which I’m not even sure if I can do right now because I never renewed my FAFSA. I didn’t think that I was going to need it and the whole thing is a giant disaster. At this point I just want to finish up with what I’ve got going on today at the office and go home. I need to calm down, stop worrying about it, and get some things done for school. It doesn’t help that today has been one of those cold, rainy days and it’s just making me increasingly tense. I think I’m definitely going to be going home and drinking for a little while.
I’m so sleep deprived, I’m honestly surprised that I can even see straight half the time. Things with John seem like they’re getting a little better at least, but I haven’t been doing jack shit around the house lately because I’ve primarily been eating, doing homework, or in the shower before I run right back out the door to go to work. Doesn’t help that on top of all that Howard found a bunch of boxes and whatnot that belonged to my mom so I had to sift through them to pull out what all was my stuff.
John came back home after work and we were up for a little while watching Netflix, but then he decided to shower and we went to sleep. I had trouble getting out of bed this morning, even though we went to sleep relatively early. Maybe I slept too long, who really knows with me anymore. I planned on getting a shower when I got up this morning, but with getting up late I actually didn’t have time so I just redid my makeup and ran out the door.
When I got to the office I made some coffee and took care of the normal opening activities. After that I started in on some home work until John came down for lunch. He was here for a little while and finally adjusted the office heat for me. After he left I went back to working on homework. Luckily I managed to get a couple things finished up and I can move on to the next thing on my list later tonight when I get home.
At this point I’ve got about an hour left to my shift, so I’m attempting to tie up some loose ends of the day and get things ready to close the office. There was someone who was supposed to come pick up a copy of their 2015 return today, but they never actually came in. I have an entire book that I need to read by the end of the week and I feel like it’s going to be insanely boring. Between that and the two or three group projects that I’m in the process of things are going to get interesting as I try to meet my deadlines. I took a look at my group Google Doc’s earlier today and so far no one has actually done anything. I mean I can’t really say anything since I haven’t gotten anywhere either… Things are just so hectic that I haven’t had time and I was hoping that someone else would have had the time to pick up a little of my slack, but apparently that was assuming too much.
Sunday I finally got my aunts taxes finished up. Then I started in on another tax return. I got as far as I could with it before I needed more information. There was a health care statement that was missing. Little did I know I actually ended up having to file an amended return and get everything straightened out afterwards. I met John for dinner at Denny’s when he was allowed to go on break. I was glad that he had the time to see me, since I ended up falling asleep pretty directly after I got home. I got back up when he finally made it home and watched some Netflix with him before he was ready to go to bed. He’s been sick so I’ve been sleeping downstairs trying not to catch it for once. Hopefully sleeping in a separate space from him will help. John finally gave me an updated copy of his WWII schedule for this year and I’m hoping that I can actually get the chance to see him here and there during the summer. I know he’s going to be busy, but I’m hoping that for once I might not be that busy. I’m way too afraid to let myself think that I might actually have time to see him for once.
Monday I worked at the Lock Haven office for Jackson Hewitt from 10-7, so I didn’t have time to get much of anything else done. I got a little homework done, but no where near enough to even make a minor dent in what has been piling up.
Yesterday I got a few things taken care of. I gave John the final copy of his taxes to send it for the amendment. Then I had to receive a delivery of sandwiches for a Young Marine fundraiser. I found a return at the office yesterday morning that also caught me off guard a little bit. It had a check that was ready for pickup and no one had called the client in a literal month. At least if they did it hadn’t been properly logged on the folder. So I called him as soon as I could and the voice mail hadn’t been set up yet. I plan to try calling again in a day or so.
Today was terrible. Legitimately. I’ve been half crying or literally crying a majority of the day. I’ve been venting at John, trying not to fight with him, but things are getting increasingly more difficult the higher my stress level gets. I wish there was some way that we could just turn things back a few years before every part of our lives got so fucked. I would kill for him, but lately things are just different and I miss how things used to be. I know that there’s no way to undo the damage that I’ve caused or anything that he’s done, but I need things to change in some way…
First off: This internship with Jackson Hewitt is killing me slowly. It’s been far more time consuming than I EVER expected. It has been one thing after another with working there. We had one intern jump ship shortly after he fulfilled his requirements. Then my manager got a new job so she’s basically gone also. Which leaves me and three other employees to cover two offices. Both of which are open upwards of 40 hours each week and we’re about a month from the end of the tax season so things are about to pick up speed again. The way it stands right now we have two regular employees and two interns left. The other intern and I are still in school, as well one of the regular employees. So that makes it difficult to trade shifts if anything comes up since we’re all tied up with our class schedules.
One of the issues that we’ve run into right at the moment is actually for this coming Monday. No one was on the schedule to cover for me while I was supposed to be in school. Mike, an employee is being borrowed that day by our Williamsport office, so he can’t cover. Meghann, the other employee is scheduled to cover for Mike at the Mill Hall office, so she can’t cover. Then Chris, the other intern, wasn’t on the schedule so he scheduled a job interview after his morning classes are over and he can’t cover. That leaves me, which I could technically skip class as long as I give the professor a heads up about it, but it’s just the principle behind being shorthanded that is irritating. However, the way I look at it work schedules, job interviews, and that sort of thing are vastly more important than the 50 minutes that I would be sitting in class. This being for a class that is basically pointless to attend half the time anyway. So, needless to say, I’m not that upset about skipping it. Especially if I can make an extra $18 instead.
I’ve got a pile of school work that needs to be attended to, but we’re still on break until Monday and unless I feel like working on it, I’m probably not going to go out of my way to get anything done over the next couple days. Tonight I’m headed to a gun raffle dinner event in South Renovo and tomorrow I blocked out most of the day to work on a tax return for my Aunt’s dad. Then I plan on taking it remotely easy since it’s the last day before chaos resumes.
At this point graduation feels like it’s right at my fingertips, yet it feels like it’s just out of reach. I have a lot of obstacles to overcome in the next two months and in a way I feel like every other part of my life is being put on a back burner. Unfortunately, that’s the last place certain aspects of my life should be at the moment. I’m hoping that I can avoid burning too many bridges over the next couple months, but it currently feels like I’m carrying an upside down can of gasoline with every step I take. Things don’t look optimistic at the moment…Hoping and praying can only get one so far. The rest has to come from within and I don’t know if I have it in me anymore. I’m vastly discontented and I don’t know how to fix it. John’s been trying to make me happy, but I’ve just been miserable for far too long that I don’t know how to get back to where I was. I’ve noticed that I keep saying well after this or that it’ll get better, but it never does. We’re definitely in a one step forward, three steps back cycle, and it’s entirely my fault…
First off, classes start tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. Thank God, I don’t have class until after noon, but still. My work schedule is funky as hell on the days that I have class this semester. For the foreseeable future I’m going to be scheduled open-1 and then 3-close, just long enough for me to go to campus for my class. No sooner do I finish class I have to run back to work to start my afternoon shift. I’m hoping that I can manage to get at least some of my homework done at first while I’m working. At least until I can get some form of a routine down. I’m tired as it is the way I’ve been working. I’m really hoping that adding classes into the mix doesn’t completely overwhelm me.
My mom is also coming to town tomorrow. So we’ll see how that goes…
The hours that I have been putting in between my internship at Jackson Hewitt and the hours that I’ve been getting at my regular job are slowly starting to take their toll. I’ve been trying to make sure that I get enough sleep, because at this point I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of groggy. I started getting a touch of a cough back over the last few days. Luckily, I still had that inhaler from when I had bronchitis; so I’ve been trying to remember to take periodic hits off every four hours or so just to try and get ahead of any cold that I might be getting. The last thing I want is to be sick for the first day of classes. I’m pretty sure that this week is my last week of “freedom” before the spring semester starts back up. I wouldn’t say that I really have much free time to do anything fun before the semester starts, but I’m going to try to squeeze something into my schedule.
As bad as it sounds, I’ve had to basically put John on a back burner for the moment. I’ve had to put a major focus on the Jackson Hewitt internship. I have to log at least 120 hours in the span of 15 weeks. The internship eliminates one of my classes at least, so it does help in that regard. However, it does cut into some of the time that I typically spend at my actual job. Thus far my actual job has been really understanding about the whole thing, but I feel bad because I know they need me there to do my job too. I feel like I’ve spread myself a little too thin in the way of the commitments that I have right now, but it’s too late to back out of any of my current responsibilities. I just don’t want John to get upset and feel like I’m neglecting him, because the way I see it I definitely am neglecting him, but I don’t know what else to do. At the same time though, he’s 22 and if he can’t manage to take care of himself until I graduate in May, we’ve got more problems than just my neglect.
John and I had one of our ¾ of the night long discussions the other night as well. I was honest with him about how I thought I had gotten over Matt, but apparently I haven’t. He proceeded to give me an ultimatum about how if I don’t manage to get over it in the next 10-15 years that it was going to be a problem. He didn’t specify whether he would leave or what, but it’s been bothering me. Why would I want to put 10-15 years into a relationship, if he’s just going to leave me anyway? It would be monumentally devastating if he left, but I understand where he’s coming from. Why should he put the time and effort in to a relationship with me if he think he has to worry about me running off with Matt some day. It’s a catch twenty-two situation though, because although I am interested in Matt, I don’t know that I would want an actual relationship with him, but I don’t know that I wouldn’t want one either. There’s no way to know and the not knowing is what drives me crazy. At the same time I can’t imagine coming home and not having John there. John is literally my best friend, and we definitely get each other. We have so much fun together and I don’t know what I’d do without him.
As 2016 comes to a close I can honestly say that I’m more than ready for it to be over. I’m not one for making New Year’s Resolutions or anything of that nature, but I do think the concept is intriguing. However, anyone who sets goals just at the beginning of a year is just plain crazy in my book. I don’t know how people can go through life and not continuously reevaluate and adapt their goals whenever they see fit. Whether it’s daily, weekly, monthly, etc… once a year just isn’t enough in my opinion.
This is one of the first times that I haven’t had any solid New Year’s Eve plans. No one offered and I didn’t think of any specific person that I would want to do anything with. There’s always John, but I actually don’t know if he has plans of his own. He had been tossing around the idea of going to hang out with Crestani, but I haven’t heard any updates on that in a couple days.
At the moment I’m just in a weird mood. I haven’t figured out if I’m just stressed out or what the deal is. Seems to be that nothing that I try to do has been effectively making me happy the way that it should. Food isn’t as satisfying, I’m consistently distracted, and I don’t know what I want to do after graduation…which is coming quicker than I’m prepared for. Don’t get me wrong I want to be done with college, but I have no clue what I want to do after I finish. It’s not like I even have that many hobbies to keep me occupied. One of the things that I’m concerned about is that I’m not going to be able to find something that I like to do and it would result in me becoming increasingly clingy towards John. We live together and everything, but I try to give him some space at the same time.
Needless to say I’m just hoping that 2017 might be a little better than the last few years. I have a sliver of hope that it will be, but it isn’t exactly starting off that great…