I know that we haven’t had accident’s recently while engaging in sexual activity, but I was starting to get concerned that I might have been pregnant again. It was basically a terrifying experience over the past couple days. I, of course, didn’t mention it to John until after I knew for sure because there was no point in making him just as paranoid as I was. However, thank God, I was just being paranoid and I’m thankfully not pregnant. I love John to death but there was a reason that I had an abortion the first time. This isn’t a good time/place for us to be in our lives to have a child. Especially since John just got laid off from his job this past week. Surprisingly, I’m not too concerned about him getting laid off now that I know I’m not pregnant, because I know that he will find a job eventually. We’ll make it work somehow and I like that he is here when I get home from work most of the time now. I was getting used to him not being home and all that but I like that he is here for the most part. I do get concerned that there may be more arguments or just disagreements between the two of us if we spend more and more time together since the two of us tend to take our aggression out on each other. We were watching Family Guy earlier and I think that it made a very good point when referring to addicts during an episode. Everyone is addicted to something for the most part, whether they realize it or not, and they are always overly occupied with something. Whether it’s alcohol, rehab, or an alternate habit that they develop to use as a distraction from their previous habits. Another thing that it reminds me of is when I used to drink rather heavily. I don’t know how I used to be able to function to get up and go to class everyday without anyone noticing. I don’t know if I just managed to hide it well or what, but I would think that someone should have noticed. My family didn’t care so I didn’t expect them to notice, but I would have thought that there should have been a person, whether it was in school or elsewhere, that should have attempted to step in. I mean I did have a 4.0 GPA nonetheless, but I wish that I could have changed the way that I did things back then. There are times when I wonder just how much I potentially messed up my life over the years, but I guess like always that’s part of the reason that i am the way I am today. Not that I really always like the way that I act now either. We also got a cabinet from my parents today that I convinced John to put all of his tactical gear and other stuff inside. I’m glad that he decided to go through with the plan because it makes the living room seem a lot more organized and gives him a place to store his items that he has been listing on eBay as well as all of the items and accessories that he has been collecting in preparation for his 1919 to come from the guy that he has building it for him. I’m anxious to see the way that my life unfolds over time. I know that things will probably work themselves out, but I’m anxious to see what happens with John and I. Things seem to be alright between us for right now, but of course you never know what can happen. I didn’t really expect him to take getting laid off as well as he seems to be taking it, which makes me really happy. When he first told me I was more concerned that I was going to have to deal with him freaking out and being massive depressive about the situation but I am definitely proud of the way that he is handling the entire thing. On the bright side I think that John and I are finally going to get the chance to paint our bedroom, which makes me beyond happy. I hope that we can manage to get it done in a timely manner, because just the thought that it might be done soon makes me happy. We have picked out a pretty lighter yet deep blue color that John really likes. I’m happy that he likes the color, I don’t quite know if I would have picked that color myself, but as long as he likes it I am willing to compromise on the color. It’s not that I dislike the color we picked, just that I don’t know which one I would have picked myself. I probably would have chosen something more vibrant than the blue color that we are going to get. Originally I told him that when we got back from Farrandsville we would go pick up the paint from Wal-Mart but we both got side tracked I guess, and now we are sitting in the living room, watching Family Guy, and doing our own quiet activities. He is playing with his links and things and I am writing this update. At the very least I am glad that we are able to spend time together and do our own activities at the same time sometimes. I like that he is here with me and I’m still able to “do my own thing,” all while keeping him within range in case I need anything or just decide to express my gratitude towards all of things that he does for me. He seems to make my life seem a little more complete and that means a lot to me, especially knowing that he is here for me despite anything that might happen in either of our lives. Having someone who actually provides support in my life is something that I’m not really used to.
I wish that it was possible for me to magically snap my fingers and make it so that there were no physical complications for my body. I feel like I owe it to John to make myself function better. I know he needs me to be better so that I can help him be a better person. Every time that it seems like things are going to be okay with me, something seems to happen and I just don’t always know how to fix it. I wish that I could just throw on a pair of running shoes and run until I am finally happy with myself…ultimately I wish I could run until John was happy with me. Until I can make him happy again.
I’m not sure whether he is happy or not. I know if I ask him he usually says that he is happy, and in a sense I feel that he is, but then sometimes I question it. Sometimes I feel the same way about myself. Then again, I don’t know how I feel about things anymore. I wonder if I am doing something internally that makes it so that I can’t be truly happy. I don’t know if there is something I need to do or if I just need to push through whatever funk I seem to be in and fully embrace the fact that I have a John and he loves me more than anyone else ever has.
I took back the starter for my vehicle today. They are supposed to be refunding the full amount that I paid for it to my credit card. I really hope that it actually goes through so that I don’t have to pay for it. If I remember correctly I think it was about $130, so yeah, it will be awesome to have that refunded. It’s less that I’ll have to pay back in the end. At least I can manage to spend my money. I have access to a lot of credit options and yet I can control myself. Surprising, considering the other elements of my life that I can’t control.
After I took back the starter I FaceTimed with my cousin Lindsay, since she moved to Florida. I remember when I was little how much I looked up to her and wanted to do things just like she did. Then one day everything changed. I found out that she was sleeping around and that she smoked marijuana. Everything changed at the point since I realized that she had been lecturing me for years about never having sex and never drinking and never doing drugs. Everything that she started doing just came as a bit of a shock to me since I had sat through countless lectures from her over the years. She seems pretty different now though. Even while we were FaceTiming she seemed distracted, like she didn’t even have time for me, but I know she’s busy, so maybe it was just that…
I feel bad for even thinking it but I feel like sometimes I put a lot more effort into things than John does. I mean I understand that some of the things that I view as important he could care less about; but still I don’t know what to think some times. Like tomorrow: I know that I am going to go to work for at least 8 hours and then come home and probably end up going to help him at his job. As far as I am aware his plans for tomorrow consist of going to his parents to drop off some tables and pick up a few things and then going with his friends to fuck around. A.I feel like things of this nature happen a lot, even if he isn’t physically with friends he still seems to be doing something I consider “unproductive”. On a side note I don’t trust any of his friends whatsoever after they convinced him to cheat on me with some skank. And no, I’m not just calling her a skank because he had sex with her. It’s because anyone that lets several guys gang bang her is a FUCKING SKANK. end of story. Anyway back to what I was originally ranting about. I know he spends a decent amount of time on youtube, facebook, xbox etc throughout the week. Don’t get me wrong I do my fair share of fucking around but no where near the amount that he does. Even today he asked me to read a paper for him and I pretty much just ended up writing the rest of the one he had started and his next one while he played xbox with his friends. I realize that I could have easily said fuck that, do it yourself, but everyone that knows me will know that I wouldn’t do that to him. I care too much to let that happen. It just frustrates me when it happens of course because I’m a human and I can never just be fucking happy with the things that I have and the situations that I put myself into. At this point I’m just stressed out and I don’t know what to do. But of course It’s my fault anyway but we all know i’m going to bitch about it because that’s what I do. I’m just sick of the way things happen in my life at the moment. I’m working on changing the way that I view it, but there’s only so much of that I can do at the same time. Otherwise I would magically be able to just be content with the way things happen in my life. I guess the only issue is that I tend to feel under appreciated like most of the time none of the things that I do in my life or for him are good enough.. I know that he appreciates the things that I do for him, as he tells me occasionally, but I just don’t know sometimes. And of course tomorrow is the 27th and we have been together for 8 months but I’m not even sure that he remembers. I asked him if he wanted to do something earlier and he just completely disregarded it like I was asking for no reason. I know he knows that the 27th is the 27th but I’m not sure that he will even be around tomorrow really or if it even matters anymore. I know it matters but you get the point nonetheless. I’m obviously far too stressed out at this point for any of it to really matter that much. I just need to do what I always do and freak out and get on with my day. I know as soon as I finish this I will most likely go get a shower and then be fine, like normal. Let’s just hope that by the time John reads this he doesn’t get pissed off, cuz god forbid that’s the last thing I want to do at this point. That’d definitely make me wanna scoop my head off. At the moment I don’t want to for once I am just drastically overwhelmed. I just don’t get how I can be so happy yet in turn be so unhappy with certain things in my life at the same time. At the very least he realized that I started crying while I was writing this and of course actually cares, but it also kind of seemed like just my crying pissed him off, which is the exact opposite of what I want. I just wonder how much of my day I spend trying to make him happy or doing things for him/with him that I should technically be focusing on something else in my life. But that will NEVER happen as I love him to death and I need him. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t spend the time I do with him or on him. He’s my world and I love him to death.
Those random questions…the what would you do if’s. Randomly this evening John decides to ask me a what if. This particular what if pertaining to what I would do if he hid the chocolate chips, currently on the kitchen counter, in the new bag that he got me for Christmas. How am I supposed to respond to such random questions? On the bright side, however, he just lit a woodland spice incense stick and it smells absolutely delicious!
Another thing that I find intriguing is that apparently it’s a massive deal that I let a pencil on the coffee table…Not like there aren’t usually ammo cans or ammo crates all over the place that I constantly trip over. I’m sure it will be just yet another thing that I will end up mentioning to the counselor that I have started talking to since the day that I freaked out on campus and walked into his office asking if I could talk to him since I pretty much wanted to slit my wrists because of my advisor basically making me feel like my life was a living hell. It was she that recommended I take intermediate accounting early anyway. I didn’t want to be in that class, but I figured that since she was recommending it that it would be a good decision for me….I was so WRONG about that. It has done nothing but make me want to shoot myself in the face since the beginning of the semester. I can’t wait until the semester is over and I’m done with her class. I just wish that I didn’t have to deal with her for part two next semester.
Also I’m getting slightly nervous about our play for our final on Tuesday. Not because of my part, but because of others in our group of ten. I just know that most of us want this play to be over since it’s worth over 500 points of our final grade. On the nice side of things once we are done with our play on Tuesday then all we have to do is show up the rest of the semester for attendance. Going Tuesday also means that we can get our play out of the way before Thanksgiving break and we can get on with our lives and concentrate on our other finals. This evening while I was at play practice when we turned all the lights off I happened to look down and I realized that my nails glow under the stage lights! It was actually rather intense to realize that they went from being teal to a bright florescent green with red flowery accents 🙂
All in all nothing to major to update about. Just trying to get through the rest of the semester at this point and hoping that my grades will be alright. Next semester things are going to have to be a little different as opposed to the way they are now. I wish I could redo this entire semester and try a lot harder on everything that I have done. But that’s unrealistic and I can only try and fix things from here. So here’s hoping that I can make things work!
I just finished four chapters worth of homework assignments for my Accounting Information Systems class. I am rather tired at this point but I am really happy that I made the decision to stay up and finish it. Now that is one less thing that I have to worry about for the rest of the semester. Hopefully I can get my 7 page paper finished before too long…if I start it…and then that will also be out of the way. Finding time to do it will be the only issue :o. I also have to go to 14 more hours of theatre meetings before we present our final project on the 26th, which conveniently, is the same day that my paper is due. I just wish that there was some way that I could easily break things down and get them done one by one, but unfortunately multi-tasking and working on things over time seems to be the only way that I have been able to do things lately. For whatever reason all of my stress with school I have been taking out towards John. I’m capable of recognizing that I do it, but no matter how much I try not to it always seems to happen one way or another. I just hope he realizes everything that I have on my schedule and that I am doing it for our future together and that I want the best for us, even if it means I have to put more effort into it now rather than later. I just need this semester to be over, it was not what I expected it to be at all. I’m more worried about his grades at this point than my own but I don’t know what to do to make him want to try for school. There isn’t really much that I can do really. I’ve attempted making him get up and go, but it just isn’t worth it. I hate it there, what’s for me to tell him that he needs to go if I don’t even want to be there myself. That would just make me a hippocritical bitch, and I try to avoid that at all costs. Even as we speak he could be reviewing for his biology test, or doing the comp work that I’ve been doing for him, but instead he’s watching Southpark and (cute as hell) comments about how he hopes that I’m not being too hard on him. Well I hate to break it to him, but I’m sure he’ll probably feel bad about himself after reading this, I know that, and I feel bad, but I’m not going to change the way I view my self and our life together just to make him feel better while reading my blog post. I love him to death and he knows it, but reality is reality. I fuck off a lot too, I can’t really say anything at all. But I just hope that he is happy with me. I’ve been questioning it lately. He seems pretty miserable, but I’m hoping that it’s just me overreacting….I can’t risk losing him just because our lives are stressful or anything else really. If there’s anything I can do to prevent things ending badly I will of course because I want to keep him as long as he wants to be around. I hope to be his wife some day, even though I know that is a long way off it at least gives me something to look forward to. Despite how miserable my life could seem at one point or another I am happy with him. I might not NEED him to survive, but I’m not sure that I’d live happily if he wasn’t in my life now that I’ve known what it’s like to have him with me.
So while John and I were in Bellefonte yesterday I left my wallet at his parents house. Yes, I know, I suck. I wouldn’t have even realized it until this morning had his mom not texted me and mentioned that it was there. Luckily his dad is working on the new state police barracks that are being built, a lot closer to us than driving the entire way back to Bellefonte. The thing that sucks is that I had pretty much no gas in my car, which made things even worse. So John woke up early and took me to get my wallet and then took me to work just because it made things easier, and he loves me of course 😉 Haha but of course, on our way to get my wallet we made the decision to go get breakfast, little did we know that John forget to get his money out of his other clothes. He finally realize when he was about to pay for the food we ordered. With him being the person that he is, he told them that he was going to get money and then he’d be back. This made us even later than we already were. I knew that when I fell back asleep this morning that I was going to be late for work, but I was ridiculously comfortable and I didn’t actually care enough to get up. The value that I have been placing on sleep these past few days has been far beyond what it normally consists of.
Work was pretty typical. There wasn’t really anything interesting that happened at all. I apparently listed a camera on ebay a while back that supposedly had a charger with it. This charger, and it’s USB cable, were never actually sent with the camera. Weird thing was it was all in a box. I searched through all of the extra chargers and things we keep in the store, but I didn’t find one of the ones that I was looking for anywhere. I even went to the extent of searching through the chargers and other cables that I keep in my desk drawer, just for convenience. No where to be found. I’m not sure why it was never sent, and I have absolutely no idea where it would have gone if we had kept it at the store. Somehow I wonder if we will ever figure out what happened to this mysterious disappearing charger. Of course there is always the chance that the guy did get the charger in the first place and is just lying…but who would ever do such a thing….oh yeah, everyone pretty much….Why do people suck so much? The world may never know.
I ended up getting fries from the Texas for dinner since Emily took me home. She ended up taking me home since she was coming back to campus to watch movies and fuck around with her boyfriend thing, not sure what the hell is title actually is. God forbid they actually have the balls to have a conversation to see where they stand with one another. Anyway, they were getting take out from the Texas, so I just called in and picked up an order of fries since she wanted me to go with her to pick it up anyway. The food there isn’t even that good, I’m not really sure why we eat it all the time but we do. At this point it just seems to be habit, but I like it nonetheless. It makes me happy so I don’t plan on questioning it.
I came home, ate my fries and then watched a movie with John. I miss having time to just hang out with him without having ten million things running through my mind. I just wish that I could be capable of doing things like that without constantly thinking of all the random shit that I should be doing. I know, however, that I need to put some effort into my schoolwork before it ends up backfiring on me. The last thing I want is for my grades to be affected by how much I fuck around.
I feel as if I have been neglecting my blog quite often. I know that I have more important things to do but at this point it is one of the few things that is going to keep me from blowing my brains out. Writing out whatever I feel is necessary so that I don’t go over the edge. At the moment I am very uneasy for some reason. I mean John is on his way home and I am happy about that, but I just am stressed out. I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done at all around the house and I know I haven’t gotten any schoolwork done at all. I mean yeah I worked most of the weekend but that isn’t good enough for me. Then again, nothing is ever good enough for me. I apparently judge myself way too harshly, but when you grow up having no one give a fuck about you at all, sometimes you have to care about yourself. Some days I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn’t cared about doing the right thing, or getting things done on my own as I was a kid. In retrospect however I do believe that things happen for a reason, and I guess I was meant to care. I mean if I hadn’t moved in with my aunt and uncle I would have never worked at my last job. If I had never worked at my last job I would have never gotten to know Mattie. If I hadn’t gotten to know Mattie I would not be working at the job I have now and I would have never pushed myself to finish calculus, graduate early, and I wouldn’t have moved out of my aunt and uncle’s house. Had I not done that I would have never made the final decision to go to LHU and I would have never met John at all. I mean it is weird how life works out in the end. I mean I think back on the way things used to be quite a lot, probably more than I should, I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but it happens nonetheless. It is just part of who I am. I know I have spent hours praying for things to happen, that never did. At the time I wondered why but I guess it was all just part of God’s plan for me. I mean I am so thankful for some of the unanswered prayers that I’ve encountered. I mean it didn’t shake my faith just because I don’t always get the things that I ask for, but I know that if things are meant to happen than at some point they will. The waiting part, however, drives me crazy. I know that I have changed quite drastically in the past several months, but overall I am constantly changing and I hate that about myself. I know that change is a normal part of life but between my physical health, my mental state, and my overall outlook on life. I have been changing so much that I just seem like life keeps changing too quickly for me to handle. I don’t even feel like I am ready for the first set of exams that I have coming up these next two weeks already. It’s just too soon I feel like the semester has just started, yet we are already about a month into it. Time is just passing too quickly and I want to slow it down because I know that I’m going to miss these college years so much. I feel like I am rushing my life away. I’m 18 and I have gotten this far in life by rushing everything that I do. At this point I think that that is just a part of my personality that I really don’t like, even though it is usually good for me. I want to do better for my life than the original hand I was dealt and I know that the only way for that to work out is for me to work my ass off and try my best at everything that I do. Of course that takes a lot of effort and I spend so much time trying to be perfect that I’m letting my life pass me by. I very rarely ever have time to have fun, and even when I “make time” to have fun I am constantly thinking about all of the other things that I should be doing with my time. Even as I am writing this I keep thinking about my deadlines and my double test later this week. I wish that there was some way that I could just switch off that part of my brain when I needed to, but I know that that seems to be impossible for me. There is always something that needs to be done and someone that needs my attention, so I will yet again try and make the impossible happen. I strive for perfection so much that it runs my life and when I fuck up even the slightest it bothers me more than it should. I know that I am not perfect, that I never will be, and that no one is…but yet I still try anyway, doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever. If only I could change that, but I bet that will never happen… I might be getting very far with my life, but what good is it if I am miserable and unhappy all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have John and he makes me happy but the rest of my life just seems to be a meaningless black hole. Yeah I go to class and get good grades, but I don’t care at all. I could care less about what grades I bring home, unless they are perfect, they won’t ever be good enough for me. Yet I settle for things in other people that are far from perfect and I value them so much more than I could ever value myself. It’s sad and pathetic in my opinion, but what good does that do me. It just gives me one more reason to view myself as another pointless kid trying to impress anyone that will give them the time of day. I’m rather unattractive, I’m hopeless when it comes to social skills, the only thing I really have in life is my intelligence and the few people who care enough to get to know me.