Operation Finish 2k16: Installment 2

Today was a little less productive than I would have liked, but I still managed to get a few things done overall. Some of this was due to my lack of ability to sleep last night. I had slept for a couple hours before John got home from work, but then I had a lot of trouble trying to get back to sleep once he decided he was ready for bed. Then, I actually woke up before my alarm even went off. Given my restlessness, I just got up and got ready to go to my neurology appointment.

By the time I was done getting ready I realized I had a little bit of time to spare before my step-dad was supposed to be here to pick me up. I took advantage of the time and updated my to-do list for the day. From there I started working on the Christmas cards that definitely should have been sent out already. However, I’m giving this year a “better late than never” when it comes to a lot of things in my life.

The neurologist that I was referred to by the people who did my lingual nerve repair surgery doesn’t seem to be helping all that much. The last time that I was there, before today, she told me she wanted to wait a year and see if anything changed. Well, when I got there today that’s exactly what she told me again. She didn’t bother to do a damn thing about the entire left side of my face, neck, and part of my shoulder being numb… but yeah, let’s wait another year and see if anything else happens. Last time I was there they told me that if there was going to be any nerve regeneration it would happen within a year of surgery date… As of right now, the year mark was actually three days ago… So I’m not very hopeful at this point. I would definitely have to say that I’m getting used to it being numb. There are days where I barely notice it anymore, but if I think about it or if someone asks I can instantly tell that it still feels exactly the same. I have also noticed it if John touches my face or shoulder. I can tell that he’s doing it, but it just doesn’t feel the same as if he touches my right side. I’ve pretty much accepted that the left half of my face is just going to be numb at this point. If a doctor wants to try something I’m all for it, but no one even seems to know what to try at this point. Even the neurologist that I have been seeing has had to ask for assistance from another neurologist because she wasn’t even sure what could have happened. From what I can understand my MRI results were fine, my blood test results were fine, and my nerve looked fine when they went back in to see if it was damaged. Given all of that, I shouldn’t be numb according to them, yet there it is…

After going to the neurologist my step-dad and I stopped at Home Depot. This was the first that I have ever been inside one. Whether it’s just this location or if it’s all of them, the organization inside this store was so terrible that it actually hurt my head a little. The entire store is such a cluster-fuck, pardon the language, that I have no idea how anyone can find anything they’re looking for. They had make-shift isles that were about 10-15 feet long and had one way in, but not enough room to turn a cart around, and didnt’ have an exit area. So to get in you either had to leave your cart in their already narrow isles, or push it in and walk backwards to get back out. I didn’t see anyone attempt backing out while I was there, they just seemed to leave their carts haphazardly in the isles, in the way. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely chunky, but I’m not that bad. There’s no way that I could have even passed one of their carts in the main isle with the way they had all of their Christmas display areas set up. We spent about a half hour looking for some cordless planer that you couldn’t even buy in the actual store. They were only available online and were even out of stock there. I set it up for them to send an email whenever the item does get back in stock, but I have never tried using their system before so I don’t have any idea how long that’ll take.

After shopping we drove to Lamar to Denny’s and got lunch. John had finished installing parts in his truck at this point and met us there. The food was delicious as always and I ended up bringing leftovers home because I have trouble finishing my food when we’re there. Once we finished eating John and I headed back towards home, but we didn’t even make it there before the garage called and said his truck was done being inspected. From there we turned back around, picked up his truck, and then headed to his parents to drop off the car that we have basically been borrowing all summer. We ended up being there a lot longer than I planned, but it was nice to see them at least. I’m just hoping that we can get through the holidays in one piece and get 2016 over with. I’m beyond over this year and I want to get on with my life.

I finished up the Christmas cards when we got home tonight and then started right in on my insurance renewal application. It’s primarily just a giant pain in the ass and I’m glad that I don’t have to think about it any longer.

New twist: I found out earlier today that I have to start my internship a lot sooner than I thought. I actually have to be there at 9 a.m. tomorrow morning to start tax school training. In the mean time, John opened a couple of his Christmas presents. One of which was a shot glass so we’ve been drinking off and on this evening. I plan on putting a decent dent in the bottle of wine I opened tonight also. It’s an Apothic Inferno 15.9% bottle, which I’ve been looking forward to opening since the beginning of the semester. John bought it for me shortly after the semester started and we indirectly ended up saving it for after finals.

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Nothing goes quite like planned…

Summer isn’t exactly going as planned. In one aspect I’ve definitely gotten to spend more time with John, which is a definite plus. On the other hand I still haven’t gotten to get as much done as I was planning to. I need to step up my game a little bit, even if I don’t physically feel up to par.

Physically I have been feeling better in some ways and worse in others. My stomach has only flared up a few times in the past month, but I’ve been having joint pain and really frequent headaches. My health insurance is in the process of being renewed so I haven’t had a follow up with a doctor recently, but I’ve been documenting the symptoms when I remember to and I’ll deal with it once my insurance gets straightened out. The joint pain seems to be hitting my knees the most that I have noticed. I keep switching back and forth between keeping them bent and straightening them out. However, after a couple minutes they seem to be irritated no matter what position they are in and I have to switch or fidget around. Of course it gets a little better when I take naproxen, so the unpleasantness seems to be coming from some sort of inflammation. When I am working I have noticed that my elbows, towards the inside, are unpleasant if I even remotely touch them to my desk or attempt to rest them there momentarily. The fevers have been random from what I can tell. The headaches have been the worst of it though. They’ve been almost daily. Sometimes Excedrine Migraine pills help and other times they don’t even tough the symptoms. I’ve experimented with my caffeine intake, sugar intake, and eating habits in general and nothing seems to be the trigger. Exercise doesn’t seem to affect them either, so at this point I don’t know what they are coming from and it’s driving me crazy. My sleep schedule has also been affected as well. Up until now in my life I have never had a problem with sleep, but lately I have been having a tough time falling asleep and seem to wake up a lot during the night. Waking up is partially due to the ridiculous nightmares that I’ve been having, also almost on a nightly basis. I just feel like even when I’m sleeping I’m not getting decent rest.

I did finally get around to putting my laundry away, then folded John’s, and put most of his away. We started a movie before he went to work earlier and he wants to finish it later tonight. So I’m supposed to be sleeping, but instead I’m writing this because I couldn’t fall asleep. I should probably have given some thought to what we were going to eat for dinner, but I haven’t managed to do that either. We have a frozen pizza, so odds are that I will probably just make that tonight so it’s easier to deal with.

I have felt sort of depressive over the last week or so. That might have been from the events of this week, but this past week was more difficult than most. As my car was going to run out of inspection I borrowed one from John’s parents since they had an extra. When I went to start it I heard a loud pop and white smoke started pouring from under the hood. Of course I shut the car off as soon as my brain processed what was going on, but there was still damage. John ordered the parts that he needs to fix most of it, but there was still a part that he couldn’t find online. As far as I know he plans on going to see if he can find one used. I had planned on using their car for the foreseeable future, but that ended up not being an option.  My parents then bought another car, but they bought a PT Cruzer, which I dislike. I am hoping that my mom decides to drive that and then I can have her older car, but we’ll see which she ends up picking. I ended up selling my old, uninspected car to my co-worker Bryan. He knew what all was wrong with the car, but he wanted it anyway.

Irritability, Christmas Trees, and Pretty Nails

The last few days have been rather interesting for me internally. I’m not entirely sure why but I have been pretty irritable for almost two straight days. The smallest things have been setting me off at a moments notice and that in itself has been driving me even more nuts than my being irritable. At this point I feel bad for John since he has had to put up with me being a bitch for the past couple days when he hasn’t really done anything wrong. Literally, things as simple as looking at his face, hearing him chomping on food, or his youtube video watching has been driving me up a wall so to speak. Example: even right now, apparently we are supposed to be finding a movie to watch. The xbox is already on and it’s just sitting there on the home screen because he’s watching random gun videos on youtube on his laptop. These things just boggle my mind sometimes considering I know it’s not a big deal, like it doesn’t even matter, but it still is bothering me just because it can apparently.

On the bright side I feel like our Christmas tree looks exquisitely pretty in the way it looks in the apartment. I prefer white lights over the colored ones that John insisted on, but I still think the tree looks pretty nonetheless. I might be a “fun killer” in the way of my decorating tastes but I am still willing to let him override my decisions and decorate whatever way he sees to be fit. I will say though that I did a terrible job stringing the beads across the tree. The beads look very uneven from any angle that one looks at tree. There are also a lot more at the top of the tree than there are down towards the base. Of course there are a plethora of attractively wrapped presents piled underneath it as well which just compliments its appearance even more.

Lately, I have been having issues with getting my nails to grow out without breaking off or chipping and I have decided to try to actively find a solution to the problem. The entire time that I was growing up I always used to chew on and bite at my nail. Even back then I knew that it was a repulsive habit, but for the longest time it was the most obnoxious habit that I had. Now that I have broken that habit, I still can’t seem to get my nails to grow that well. Luckily, they seem to grow evenly I have just been having an issue with the length. I was shopping for some odds and ends items this morning and I found a discounted bottle of VitaSurge growth gel which is a growth treatment created by Sally Hansen. After reading the box I decided to give it a try since I only paid a few dollars for it anyway I figured that it was worth the risk. I didn’t look that closely when I picked up the box that the bottle came in, but there is no brush. The applicator almost looks like the same applicator used for sticks of lip gloss. Originally I thought that it was supposed to be like regular polish, but it is this wet gel that you just cover your nails with and rub into your nails. According to the bottle the user is supposed to see results in five days as long as the product is used properly, so I’m anxious to see whether or not it actually makes a difference for my nails. The actual gel is very interesting to look at as well. It is a bright green color and has these small blue balls suspended in the gel. Visually it is quite appealing to the eye 🙂

Things are Surprisingly Alright Still

I know that we haven’t had accident’s recently while engaging in sexual activity, but I was starting to get concerned that I might have been pregnant again. It was basically a terrifying experience over the past couple days. I, of course, didn’t mention it to John until after I knew for sure because there was no point in making him just as paranoid as I was. However, thank God, I was just being paranoid and I’m thankfully not pregnant. I love John to death but there was a reason that I had an abortion the first time. This isn’t a good time/place for us to be in our lives to have a child. Especially since John just got laid off from his job this past week. Surprisingly, I’m not too concerned about him getting laid off now that I know I’m not pregnant, because I know that he will find a job eventually. We’ll make it work somehow and I like that he is here when I get home from work most of the time now. I was getting used to him not being home and all that but I like that he is here for the most part. I do get concerned that there may be more arguments or just disagreements between the two of us if we spend more and more time together since the two of us tend to take our aggression out on each other.
We were watching Family Guy earlier and I think that it made a very good point when referring to addicts during an episode. Everyone is addicted to something for the most part, whether they realize it or not, and they are always overly occupied with something. Whether it’s alcohol, rehab, or an alternate habit that they develop to use as a distraction from their previous habits. Another thing that it reminds me of is when I used to drink rather heavily. I don’t know how I used to be able to function to get up and go to class everyday without anyone noticing. I don’t know if I just managed to hide it well or what, but I would think that someone should have noticed. My family didn’t care so I didn’t expect them to notice, but I would have thought that there should have been a person, whether it was in school or elsewhere, that should have attempted to step in. I mean I did have a 4.0 GPA nonetheless, but I wish that I could have changed the way that I did things back then. There are times when I wonder just how much I potentially messed up my life over the years, but I guess like always that’s part of the reason that i am the way I am today. Not that I really always like the way that I act now either.
We also got a cabinet from my parents today that I convinced John to put all of his tactical gear and other stuff inside. I’m glad that he decided to go through with the plan because it makes the living room seem a lot more organized and gives him a place to store his items that he has been listing on eBay as well as all of the items and accessories that he has been collecting in preparation for his 1919 to come from the guy that he has building it for him.
I’m anxious to see the way that my life unfolds over time. I know that things will probably work themselves out, but I’m anxious to see what happens with John and I. Things seem to be alright between us for right now, but of course you never know what can happen. I didn’t really expect him to take getting laid off as well as he seems to be taking it, which makes me really happy. When he first told me I was more concerned that I was going to have to deal with him freaking out and being massive depressive about the situation but I am definitely proud of the way that he is handling the entire thing.
On the bright side I think that John and I are finally going to get the chance to paint our bedroom, which makes me beyond happy. I hope that we can manage to get it done in a timely manner, because just the thought that it might be done soon makes me happy. We have picked out a pretty lighter yet deep blue color that John really likes. I’m happy that he likes the color, I don’t quite know if I would have picked that color myself, but as long as he likes it I am willing to compromise on the color. It’s not that I dislike the color we picked, just that I don’t know which one I would have picked myself. I probably would have chosen something more vibrant than the blue color that we are going to get. Originally I told him that when we got back from Farrandsville we would go pick up the paint from Wal-Mart but we both got side tracked I guess, and now we are sitting in the living room, watching Family Guy, and doing our own quiet activities. He is playing with his links and things and I am writing this update. At the very least I am glad that we are able to spend time together and do our own activities at the same time sometimes. I like that he is here with me and I’m still able to “do my own thing,” all while keeping him within range in case I need anything or just decide to express my gratitude towards all of things that he does for me. He seems to make my life seem a little more complete and that means a lot to me, especially knowing that he is here for me despite anything that might happen in either of our lives. Having someone who actually provides support in my life is something that I’m not really used to.

Finals and Free Gifts

We are in the midst of finals week. I had one for Mathematics for Management this morning and I have another tonight for Biology. I don’t really like that our Biology final is at 8 p.m. I guess I’m not a typical college student in respect that I don’t think 8 p.m. is early. That’s kinda getting late for me to be out running around on campus. I just wish it had been earlier today so that I could just be done with it. In theory it gives me more time to study for the exam and stuff, but there’s not really much that I can do at this point. Either you know the information or you don’t: cramming can only help so much. On top of that I have an economics final that I still have to read a few things for, but I have until Friday morning at 8 a.m. until I have to be ready for that exam, so I definitely have time for that one. So far this set of finals hasn’t been a complete disaster. I had one online last week and one this morning, then I have the one tonight and another Friday morning. Now given between now and then I will be working all day tomorrow and Thursday, so that will take some time out of when I could be studying, but I have to work too.
My main plan for the rest of today is to make a timed out schedule and go from there. I seem to get more done if I allocate time to my tasks and try to get them accomplished in a timely manner. The only issue is finding the motivation to get them done. Luckily today I don’t think it will take me that long to get around to doing them once John goes to work. Until he does I plan on spending as much time with him as I can since I don’t know how much I will get to see him over the next couple days as I will be at work until after he leaves for work and then I will probably only get to see him for an hour or so once he comes home from work before we go to sleep. I do, however, love that he is at least here when I am sleeping. I don’t really like trying to sleep when he isn’t here. I just feel much safer knowing that he is close by in case anything happens.
I’ve been making an attempt at being a little happier about my life, so far I’m not sure if there are very many outwardly obvious changes but I know that it’s been easier for me emotionally and mentally. I just don’t really feel as hopeless as I have previously. At this point I feel like managing my time has made a large impact on how I feel about everything that happens during my day. I don’t really know how to explain it, but as long as it keeps working for me I think I’m going to stick to that plan.
As far as the items I’ve been trying to sell on eBay they are slowly going. I’m at least happy that I can get some of them out of my closet. For the most part they are just things that either don’t fit me anymore or that John really doesn’t like. I know that I shouldn’t necessarily get rid of something that he dislikes, but considering I’m his fiance if there’s something that he really doesn’t like, what’s the point in me wearing it, when I am supposed to look presentable for him. Exactly, there isn’t a point, therefore the few things I have that he doesn’t like I might as well make money off of. While i was trying to prepare one of my items to ship on Ebay I was redirected to some sort of survey in which you get free stuff. Well, after sifting through all of their survey bullshit, I filled out the shipping information for my free sunglasses which were a promotional offer for a new line of JP, which I got to pick out, all I had to do was pay for the shipping costs. The shipping costs were only a couple dollars and in a few days I got my sunglasses which came with a case, cleaning cloth, and a bottle of cleaning spray. Altogether so far I am ridiculously happy with my new sunglasses. They actually fit my face tight enough that they don’t slide down my face, which is usually an issue that I have when I try to wear sunglasses. It worked out in my favor, however, so I have no complaints whatsoever with this eBay survey. I don’t know whether they were legit or not, but I got the sunglasses, so I’m happy even if by some miracle they were actually only worth a few dollars, they were definitely still worth it.
I also purchased a new ipod recently. Of course considering they make new ones consistently the one that I actually wanted is already considered discontinued. I ordered it anyway of course because that’s what I wanted and I know what I like. I wasn’t about to bother spending the money on something that I didn’t really like just because it was a little bit cheaper or similar. I ended up getting the 5th generation nano. I liked the screen a little more than the 4th generation nano, so I figured that for about $30 more I was better off buying the one that I actually liked for about $139 altogether with shipping and handling and everything else. I was a little surprised when I opened it though. It came with a clear case that I didn’t know I was going to receive, I even went back into the invoice and packing information. Upon double checking everything I’m not sure if they messed up the order that I made and accidentally included it, or if it was intentional. I wasn’t about to contact them and ask since I really like the case, so I’m just going to chalk it up to good karma for once :p

and I Shall Gladly Call John Walker My Fiance <3

It seems like an eternity since I updated my blog last. Since we are kind of at that make it or break it point in the semester, I have been putting most of my energy into making sure that John and I will have the points that we need to get decent grades in our classes. I’ve been trying to help him as much as I can, and I might as well get used to it now if I plan on being a cop’s wife. There’s definitely going to be a lot of sacrifice in the long term, but he’s definitely worth my time. We are engaged now, I don’t know if I mentioned it since it happened, but the every lovely John Walker is now my wonderful fiance. I’ve just been trying to get caught up with all the housework and things that I needed to do. Having John gone again this weekend since he’s at a class with Dom makes it easier for me to clean. I just miss him of course, especially since he was gone all of last weekend as well and during the week I usually seem him a few hours at most, aside from when we’re sleeping. I actually managed to put in a decent amount of hours this week at work as well, so I am extremely happy about that. I am slowly starting to be able to pay off the credit card debt that I have since I put John’s one year/engagement gun present on my card. It sounds like it was a bad decision but it was actually a pretty good one. I love him so much and I’m happy that I have the opportunity to do nice things for him. Of course I occasionally feel under appreciated, but who doesn’t feel that way from time to time. I’m excited to call him my fiance and to have him in my life for the long term. I know we might have to be apart the next few years with him getting into the academy and training and my finishing college, but we’ll make it work. It’s not like we really see each other that much now anyway with the way our schedules work, but I would take not seeing each other as much in exchange for actually being financially stable for once. It’s definitely a good feeling. Image

A wonderful Anniversary

As I sit here looking around me I realize that I should be doing more. It doesn’t seem like I can ever manage to catch up with the things that I should be doing. I know I currently have 12 assignments that I need to work on for school. All of which I’m sure will be relatively time consuming. There are also a decent chunk of household chores that I need to catch up on as well. Our living room is pretty disorganized at the moment and I want to have everything straightened up for when John comes home. I want to be able to share my achievements with him. The past few days with him have been amazing. Yesterday we went gun shop hopping for our one year anniversary. We came across an M38 which I bought mainly for John, but also for myself. This was a first for me since I have never done the paperwork for a firearm before. It was a really interesting experience. Then after that we got taco bell and I ended up buying John an underfold AK, which I can already tell he loves. I’m not even sure how long he played with it last night before we went to sleep. As he was playing with them I noticed that he kept switching back and forth between the two new guns, almost like he wasn’t sure which he liked more. It was ADORABLE. After we bought him the AK we stopped at the Altoona mall and I got a couple new pairs of flip flops since I am down to two pairs that are close to breaking. He also bought me new leggings since the ones I have need replaced. On top of that he let me pick out a ring. It was a little more than either of us planned on spending but it’s beautiful and I love it. He still has it hidden somewhere however, and I can’t wait until he actually surprises me with giving it to me. Even though I know what the ring looks like it doesn’t take away from any of the wonderment that surrounds the entire thing for me. I actually like that he let me pick it out so that I’m not disappointed with what I get. Not that I think he would disappointment me, but so that it doesn’t happen anyway. I love John to death and I’m so glad that I have him in my life.

Even I Know I’m Being a Bitch

For whatever reason I’m being a complete bitch. I have no idea why and no matter what I do to try and avoid it, it just keeps happening anyway. I mean I love John to death and he wants to go out into the pretty drastic snow storm we we have been getting since early this morning. It may have more to do with the fact that if I lose him I will feel responsible, even despite my telling him that it’s a stupid idea to go out in it. I don’t want to risk something happening to him. I trust his driving but everyone else around this city drives around like they are completely oblivious to their surroundings. It’s those belligerent assholes that I don’t trust driving around. I will go with him nonetheless, in the event something would happen and I wouldn’t be there I don’t know how I would feel. At the very least it wouldn’t be a good situation, so I’ll avoid that and just go with him. At this point I’m getting pretty hungry since we never ate lunch, so hopefully he does decide to get food sooner rather than later.

No Wonder My Pants Don’t Fit….

So, I’m pregnant. 4 weeks.That’s not really in the cards for John and I right now. We’ve discussed it. The abortion is scheduled for the end of this month. I’m not going to say it’s necessary but it seems to the best decision for the both of us at the moment. The last thing that either of us needs is a baby to add to our schedule. I love him to death and I want a baby with him, but now’s not a good time. Neither one of us are ready to take that step and be able to deal with everything that comes along with being a parent. I understand that John doesn’t want to consider adoption because he doesn’t think that he would be able to go through with it if we went through the process; so this is the easiest way. It will be like $375 plus a drive to Harrisburg, but in the end it will be worth it. We will both be able to get our lives back and not have to worry about the sea creature doing flips inside my stomach. The sooner things are taken care of the better things will be and we can all get on with our lives, except the fetus of course…

Finally.

I’m in a bit of a hurry so this isn’t going to be a drastically long post but anyway :p Finals are finally over, thank god! I have been waiting for this moment for months. I just submitted my last assignment and I can finally say FUCK THIS SEMESTER. This entire semester has been one massive suck fest. I now can focus on work and the other things I need to do like clean our apartment. I am definitely happy to have John around. He has helped me a lot throughout this semester and I don’t know what I’d do without him. I hope that I have time to clean a little bit at least before John comes home tonight. It sucks in a way because I want to clean up but I know that a lot of the stuff is his and I don’t like moving his stuff but I sure as hell don’t want it where half of it is laying. It’s also difficult because our tree is massive and is sort of in the way a little bit, but it’s magnificent nonetheless. It just keeps dropping needles and scares the hell out of me. It will be completely quiet in here and then all I hear is an unfamiliar rustling noise.