Failing at my Life

At this point I’m petrified that I’m going to fail a couple of my classes. One of my professors has yet to grade any of our tests, so that leaves me to wonder how well I’m actually doing in that class. Then there’s another class that I know that I’m doing poorly in, but that I just don’t understand. Even sitting through the classes or talking to the professor about it just translates to gibberish when I try to process the information. Even reading through the textbook for that class doesn’t get me very far overall. It has me so frustrated at this point that I don’t even like to think about the class although I know that I really should get my head out of my ass and get my life together. It might be a little easier, but my car is broken…AGAIN! In theory this also might just be yet another excuse that I’m using to avoid my responsibilities.

It’s such a catch twenty-two situation with me that I know I procrastinate, but I keep letting myself do it anyway. I know that I have too much on my plate, but I don’t do seem to be doing anything to make it any more simplistic. I just avoid the things I need to do, which in reality doesn’t help anyone.
We’ve been getting miscellaneous phone calls for a Sarah Miller over the past few weeks and just now tonight we received another call for a Melissa Miller. At this rate I’m just curious as to who they were. It makes me wonder if they were related, maybe sister or mother/daughter. Things like this are oddly intriguing to me and generally appeal to my wonderment of those around me. Some of the calls come from general numbers and others pop up as “unknown caller” which I think is even more interesting. One of the “unknown” numbers has called for both Melissa and Sarah at this point. Maybe it’s coincidence altogether, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe we’ll never know…

Crestani spent the night last night as well. He might bother me sometimes, but in small doses he really doesn’t drive me all that nuts. I mean he’s always an arrogant ass, but I’m growing fonder of him as time goes on. I’m not sure if fond is the right word, but it fits I guess. I’d care if he ended up dead, but he poses no threat to my relationship with John, if that clarifies the fondness I mean. We talk to each other here and there. Typically every couple days at this point we exchange a few snap chats, but that’s about all. I’m pretty happy with the place that we’ve fallen into together. Whether he likes me or not, and whether I like him or not, I’m glad that we can be civil and share for John’s sake. I mean I get a few perks by being “friends” with Crestani as well, but overall I’m just glad that John has someone even resembling a friend that he can confide in. Anymore I guess that I’m glad it gives me someone who I can talk to if I’m bored as well. It’s not like I really have many other friends, especially ones that I would want to know much about me. I don’t like opening up to others and I know that when it comes down to it guys usually share miscellaneous information with their friends, so John would probably tell him some of the stuff anyway. There hasn’t really been anything specific that I’ve talked to him about, but knowing it’s an option is always nice I guess.

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Death, Destruction, and Future Fears

Things have been hectic lately, to say the least. I had a terrible cold that lasted a couple weeks, an excruciating set of exams, a death, a family cancer diagnosis, and my impending birthday. All four of the exams that I had to take were scheduled over a period of three days. On top of that I was given an assignment for a take home portion of one of my exams that was also a group question. So trying to coordinate timing with three other people who also had their own work schedules, studying, and personal lives to coordinate around became a bit of an issue. Despite the timing problems we ran into the issue that we had absolutely no idea how to solve the problem that we were working on, which ended up being a disaster. We resorted to buying the answers for a previous textbook to get the answers that we needed for the project. I have only received two of my four exam grades so far and as of right now I failed both of them. This, of course, makes me feel even more depressed than I already do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my schoolwork I’m just not good enough.

My boss’ mother also passed away the same week of my exams. This made a lot of things more difficult. Work became an issue because neither of my bosses were actually around that much as they were beginning to get things ready for the funeral. Her death was expected in a way, but I didn’t actually think that it would happen as soon as it did. Last Wednesday, the morning that she passed, she woke up and wasn’t even able to effectively communicate with anyone anymore. Her health has been slowly degrading over the past year, but it quickly deteriorated over the past two months. She got to the point recently that she wasn’t even allowed to be left alone because she kept falling and getting stuck wherever she fell. The viewing, funeral, and after luncheon were all this past Saturday. There ended up being a snow storm during the viewing and so all of the services were held inside the funeral home and then only the pallbearers and her children were the ones to go to the grave site. This was the first real funeral service or viewing that I have ever been to. The only other people that I’ve known to die were cremated and didn’t actually have formal services. The one thing that sticks in the back of my mind is that there were so many people who cared for this woman, but she was one of the most aggressive and slightly ungrateful people that I have ever met in my life thus far. Even in the last of her days my boss would come in to work and speak of the things that her mother had done or said to those around her, most of which were negative. A few days after her death it became known that she had put up with her abusive husband for years, before he finally left her to raise her eight children alone, and no one ever knew. It wasn’t something that she would have ever mentioned, but that’s one of those things in life. There are some things that you would never guess about someone, even if they might be close to you. I honestly have no idea how she managed to raise eight children by herself, some of which are the nicest people I know.

As for the family cancer diagnosis, my grandfather’s brother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me either considering he has been a smoker since he was a teenager. Seeing him in the hospital, paired with the recent death I was exposed to, has made me realize that I’m about to start losing those around me. Everyone I care about is getting older, as everyone does, and it makes me realize that I hate not being close to those around me. After the way I was brought up I’ve never really let myself get close to anyone around me. I’ve always used this as a coping mechanism since everyone walks away from me, probably because I push them away, when all I really want is for them to care about what happens to me. Sometimes I just want someone to show some interest in the things in my life, and know that if I need someone to talk to that they are actually going to be around when I need them. I’ve had countless people tell me that they’re “here if I need to talk” but in reality when I do reach out and try to tell them I need someone to talk to or want to make plans I consistently get blown off more often than not. Realistically, I’ve accepted that I don’t really have friends anymore, but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t hurt my feelings. With my birthday in a few days I’m wondering who’s even going to bother contacting me, and I’m anxious to see which of them I’ve even heard from since the last time they told me happy birthday. I don’t know what I’m going to do over the next few days, but I have decided that I’m not really going to do very many productive things until I’m no longer a teenager. I’ve put so much work into the things I’ve done and I’ve decided that I’m taking a break for the next couple days, whether I deserve it or not. If I don’t feel like doing something I’m not going to bother. When Monday happens I’ll return to the real world and I know I need to step up my game if I’m going to actually manage to keep my life together and to keep my fiancé happy. I know I haven’t been doing a good job lately at attending to his needs, but things in my world haven’t exactly been delightful. I’m sure he claims to understand, but I’m not sure if he realizes just how much the things that have been going on have affected me recently. Another thing that I am going to constantly affiliate with my birthday for the rest of my life is having the abortion a year ago. I know we joke about it and that it was really for the best, but I can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if I we hadn’t handled things the way we did.

Things are Surprisingly Alright Still

I know that we haven’t had accident’s recently while engaging in sexual activity, but I was starting to get concerned that I might have been pregnant again. It was basically a terrifying experience over the past couple days. I, of course, didn’t mention it to John until after I knew for sure because there was no point in making him just as paranoid as I was. However, thank God, I was just being paranoid and I’m thankfully not pregnant. I love John to death but there was a reason that I had an abortion the first time. This isn’t a good time/place for us to be in our lives to have a child. Especially since John just got laid off from his job this past week. Surprisingly, I’m not too concerned about him getting laid off now that I know I’m not pregnant, because I know that he will find a job eventually. We’ll make it work somehow and I like that he is here when I get home from work most of the time now. I was getting used to him not being home and all that but I like that he is here for the most part. I do get concerned that there may be more arguments or just disagreements between the two of us if we spend more and more time together since the two of us tend to take our aggression out on each other.
We were watching Family Guy earlier and I think that it made a very good point when referring to addicts during an episode. Everyone is addicted to something for the most part, whether they realize it or not, and they are always overly occupied with something. Whether it’s alcohol, rehab, or an alternate habit that they develop to use as a distraction from their previous habits. Another thing that it reminds me of is when I used to drink rather heavily. I don’t know how I used to be able to function to get up and go to class everyday without anyone noticing. I don’t know if I just managed to hide it well or what, but I would think that someone should have noticed. My family didn’t care so I didn’t expect them to notice, but I would have thought that there should have been a person, whether it was in school or elsewhere, that should have attempted to step in. I mean I did have a 4.0 GPA nonetheless, but I wish that I could have changed the way that I did things back then. There are times when I wonder just how much I potentially messed up my life over the years, but I guess like always that’s part of the reason that i am the way I am today. Not that I really always like the way that I act now either.
We also got a cabinet from my parents today that I convinced John to put all of his tactical gear and other stuff inside. I’m glad that he decided to go through with the plan because it makes the living room seem a lot more organized and gives him a place to store his items that he has been listing on eBay as well as all of the items and accessories that he has been collecting in preparation for his 1919 to come from the guy that he has building it for him.
I’m anxious to see the way that my life unfolds over time. I know that things will probably work themselves out, but I’m anxious to see what happens with John and I. Things seem to be alright between us for right now, but of course you never know what can happen. I didn’t really expect him to take getting laid off as well as he seems to be taking it, which makes me really happy. When he first told me I was more concerned that I was going to have to deal with him freaking out and being massive depressive about the situation but I am definitely proud of the way that he is handling the entire thing.
On the bright side I think that John and I are finally going to get the chance to paint our bedroom, which makes me beyond happy. I hope that we can manage to get it done in a timely manner, because just the thought that it might be done soon makes me happy. We have picked out a pretty lighter yet deep blue color that John really likes. I’m happy that he likes the color, I don’t quite know if I would have picked that color myself, but as long as he likes it I am willing to compromise on the color. It’s not that I dislike the color we picked, just that I don’t know which one I would have picked myself. I probably would have chosen something more vibrant than the blue color that we are going to get. Originally I told him that when we got back from Farrandsville we would go pick up the paint from Wal-Mart but we both got side tracked I guess, and now we are sitting in the living room, watching Family Guy, and doing our own quiet activities. He is playing with his links and things and I am writing this update. At the very least I am glad that we are able to spend time together and do our own activities at the same time sometimes. I like that he is here with me and I’m still able to “do my own thing,” all while keeping him within range in case I need anything or just decide to express my gratitude towards all of things that he does for me. He seems to make my life seem a little more complete and that means a lot to me, especially knowing that he is here for me despite anything that might happen in either of our lives. Having someone who actually provides support in my life is something that I’m not really used to.

Ah summer

I sometimes question whether I have a potential addiction issue with Benadryl. I think it makes me feel better and it provides me with more energy. I’m not really sure if I actually have much of an allergy problem, but I do think that it helps with my sinuses. Any addiction issue that I may, probably though, have I think that I am very well aware of it and I can accept that. I like the way that it makes me feel and it’s not like it interferes with my life. It’s relatively cheap, I don’t do it all the time, and it doesn’t interfere with the work that I need to accomplish. It actually helps a lot. However, I imagine that John would have already mentioned to me, in a serious manner anyway, that he thinks I have a problem. I’m a little concerned with it but I plan to start trying to make a change with my eating habits and try and lose the weight that I gained when I was pregnant; I think that the Benadryl and maybe obsessive use of gum or something may also help with my attempt.

I need it to work though. I have a drastic issue with my appearance and I spend most days feeling like I an beyond fat. I just look repulsive. I know that I have had eating disorder complications in the past and I had gotten all of that straightened out up until recently. Before I was happy with the weight that I was and then I met John and my lifestyle changed, thus changing my entire image. This would be okay but I am no longer comfortable with myself and I just can’t take it. Honestly, I hate myself. The things I’ve done. They way I act. The way I am. Everything. Things are just so stressful that I tend to turn to eating as opposed to exercise as I don’t have much time and that’s exactly what John does. In one aspect I think that John and I feed off of each other’s energy a little too much sometimes. But right now. I’m done trying to hard, with everything. I will use this blog to vent when I feel that it’s necessary. I need something to be able to rely on, between knowing that I have this blog to vent to it helps. I try to vent to John but I usually feel like he doesn’t listen or that he just doesn’t care because he’s sick of listening to me bitch about my life. So I’m done. Things are going to have to change or I’m going to end up doing something stupid and losing the few things that I actually value in my life, which can’t happen. At the very least I am drinking lemon infused water at the moment which is quite good. I don’t mind healthy food, I just have a lack of motivation and feel pretty hopeless with my weight. I mean in reality I’m about 30 lbs heavier than I was before.

and I Shall Gladly Call John Walker My Fiance <3

It seems like an eternity since I updated my blog last. Since we are kind of at that make it or break it point in the semester, I have been putting most of my energy into making sure that John and I will have the points that we need to get decent grades in our classes. I’ve been trying to help him as much as I can, and I might as well get used to it now if I plan on being a cop’s wife. There’s definitely going to be a lot of sacrifice in the long term, but he’s definitely worth my time. We are engaged now, I don’t know if I mentioned it since it happened, but the every lovely John Walker is now my wonderful fiance. I’ve just been trying to get caught up with all the housework and things that I needed to do. Having John gone again this weekend since he’s at a class with Dom makes it easier for me to clean. I just miss him of course, especially since he was gone all of last weekend as well and during the week I usually seem him a few hours at most, aside from when we’re sleeping. I actually managed to put in a decent amount of hours this week at work as well, so I am extremely happy about that. I am slowly starting to be able to pay off the credit card debt that I have since I put John’s one year/engagement gun present on my card. It sounds like it was a bad decision but it was actually a pretty good one. I love him so much and I’m happy that I have the opportunity to do nice things for him. Of course I occasionally feel under appreciated, but who doesn’t feel that way from time to time. I’m excited to call him my fiance and to have him in my life for the long term. I know we might have to be apart the next few years with him getting into the academy and training and my finishing college, but we’ll make it work. It’s not like we really see each other that much now anyway with the way our schedules work, but I would take not seeing each other as much in exchange for actually being financially stable for once. It’s definitely a good feeling. Image

So Much Has Changed

Things have taken a turn for interesting. I guess one of my acquaintances thinks that she might be pregnant. She apparently thought that it would be a good idea to confide that in me…but she isn’t aware of everything that I just went through with the abortion either. Had she known that she probably would have asked someone else’s opinion. I talked to her about her potential options. She has come to the conclusion that she can’t really afford to have an abortion, nor does she want one even if she could afford it. However, she currently is failing out of college, her mom moved away, and she has no job at all. Her baby daddy is only a cohabitant with her and still sleeping with her. She also stopped taking the birth control she was on almost six months ago, so it isn’t really a surprise that she is pretty sure she’s pregnant considering they weren’t being safe either. Things will work themselves out I guess, one way or another. I just hope that if she is pregnant and decides to go through with having the baby that she is capable of being an adult and either stepping up to take care of it or gives it to someone who is willing to do so. In the meantime I just told her that if she had any questions or if she wanted any advice I’d try to help out as best as I could. I know she wants a baby but I personally don’t believe that now is a good time for that whatsoever. I feel like she should get her life back on track and actually have the means to take care of herself, let alone a child, before she jumps into it. I’m not saying that she should have an abortion, there’s always adoption and other things of that nature, but she definitely has a few decisions that she needs to make.
This time last year I was sitting on a beach in Mexico, probably not sober at all, and having a wonderful time with my new friends. It is so odd to think about where I was just one year ago. My life has changed so much in that amount of time. For the most part I have stopped drinking, my grades have dropped a pretty significant amount, and so much more. I never would have though that I would end up living with the kid that sat in front of me in history who barely glanced at me. It also blows my mind that a year ago Matt was such a big part of my life and now he’s pretty much nothing more than a contact in my phone. I remember getting off the plane from Mexico, I didn’t even go home first, I went to meet Matt so that we could hookup since he was upset that I hadn’t seen him in over a week, and I never told him I was leaving at all. However, in my defense, I didn’t know that I was required to inform the guy that used me as a booty call that I was leaving the country…apparently there are all sorts of unwritten rules that I didn’t know. Oh well, it’s a bit late for that now, not like it matters anymore anyway. I’m really glad that I am no longer reliant on someone who doesn’t really care about me. I have John and it’s nice to know that he is going to come home every night and that I can trust him for the most part. I know that there have been altercations between us from time to time but he is here for me nonetheless. Plus he just brought me a snack!

Trix Might Be for Kids….but Hell, They’re Delicious!

John wrote this for me so long ago and I just found it today <3

John wrote this for me so long ago and I just found it today ❤

I thought this was cute
This was actually accidental, but awesome nonetheless

This was actually accidental, but awesome nonetheless

Took this right around the time that John and I met while I was waiting for him to meet me

Took this right around the time that John and I met while I was waiting for him to meet me

The sky was pretty intense in my opinion anyway

The sky was pretty intense in my opinion anyway

I was flipping through an old journal that I had in one of my bags and I found the note that John had left me. I can’t believe that I hadn’t found it sooner. We randomly leave notes like that for each other all the time but it normally isn’t that long before we find them. It was surprising in a way and of course it was rather cute as well :p
Sometimes I realize that I forget about the small things that make me happy, like him leaving me notes or any of the photography that I used to do, painting, or just random small things in my life.

Another thing that makes me happy about being with John is that I constantly know where I stand with him. There isn’t anything to question. I don’t have to wonder why he hasn’t talked to me in over a week or wonder if I will ever hear from him again at all. I know he is mine and that he isn’t going anywhere any time soon. He is always here to pick me up when I end up with shattered spirits for whatever reason. I’m always scared that something will happen and things will change between us, but of course as time passes all people change and I just hope that we can adapt to work with one another. Sometimes I wonder if I put too much energy into our relationship, but I know that anything I put in is definitely worth it. He’s my future and I don’t know where I would be without him beside me. Sometimes I just want to run from the way my life is, or end it on some days, and he always seems to give me reason to keep pushing through anything and everything that I might be faced with.

I know that I am capable of fucking up and making mistakes in our life together, no matter how big or small, and that things will work themselves out no matter what. I mean we’ve managed to get past school stress, job stress, my fucking up and sending overly racy pics to Mattie, him cheating on me with that random slut he didn’t even know, and all sorts of other random complications. Yet in the end we both have realized that we love each other and that is all that actually matters when it comes to the end. Without him I am capable of living, as I had for the first how many years, but that doesn’t mean that I would want to go back to what my life was like before I met him now that I know what it is like to live my life with him by my side. Like right now he has me laughing considering he just went from talking about making random vine videos to half twerking in the middle of the living room while he was putting his COD:MW2 disc in the xbox. I’m assuming that he probable didn’t even realize that he was doing it, as he does random things like that a good majority of the time. Nonetheless it amuses me and it’s quite cute. Ah, and now the mother fucker is eating my trix! He best be happy I love him, that kind of action is asking for a beat down :p
Haha anyway I’m going to quit rambling on and on about my boring life and get back to living it. Maybe if we’re all lucky something interesting will actually happen to me and people won’t be wasting their lives by reading my posts :p I do apologize to anyone who wastes part of their lives reading my long ass posts that won’t change anyone’s lives whatsoever.

Looking into the Darkness

I’m lying here trying to sleep but for some reason sleep just won’t come….i am really starting to think its just because John isn’t here and it’s hard for me to relax. Its so weird to just be lying here in the dark, looking out into the distance, missing him more than I usually do when he isn’t here. At times i think to myself that I shouldn’t move to drastically or I might wake him and then I remember that it doesn’t matter because he isn’t here. I definitely miss him the most at night. I long to have him beside me and just to have him next to me is the most amazing feeling in the world. I know he’s there if I need anything and even if I don’t I still know he’s mine. I know that he’ll keep me safe and and I have nothing to worry about. I’m happy for once which is an astonishing feeling to realize that at the very least I have him and if nothing else he’ll always be there for me. Even on nights like this he attempts to keep me as safe as possible, leaving me access to defensive technology to use at my own discretion if i deem it necessary. I love him more and more with each passing day, time seems to be flying with him in my life, but I’m not sure how to slow things down long enough to enjoy them thoroughly…

So Happy, Yet I’m Crying Nonetheless

I feel bad for even thinking it but I feel like sometimes I put a lot more effort into things than John does. I mean I understand that some of the things that I view as important he could care less about; but still I don’t know what to think some times. Like tomorrow: I know that I am going to go to work for at least 8 hours and then come home and probably end up going to help him at his job. As far as I am aware his plans for tomorrow consist of going to his parents to drop off some tables and pick up a few things and then going with his friends to fuck around. A.I feel like things of this nature happen a lot, even if he isn’t physically with friends he still seems to be doing something I consider “unproductive”. On a side note I don’t trust any of his friends whatsoever after they convinced him to cheat on me with some skank. And no, I’m not just calling her a skank because he had sex with her. It’s because anyone that lets several guys gang bang her is a FUCKING SKANK. end of story. Anyway back to what I was originally ranting about. I know he spends a decent amount of time on youtube, facebook, xbox etc throughout the week. Don’t get me wrong I do my fair share of fucking around but no where near the amount that he does. Even today he asked me to read a paper for him and I pretty much just ended up writing the rest of the one he had started and his next one while he played xbox with his friends. I realize that I could have easily said fuck that, do it yourself, but everyone that knows me will know that I wouldn’t do that to him. I care too much to let that happen. It just frustrates me when it happens of course because I’m a human and I can never just be fucking happy with the things that I have and the situations that I put myself into. At this point I’m just stressed out and I don’t know what to do. But of course It’s my fault anyway but we all know i’m going to bitch about it because that’s what I do. I’m just sick of the way things happen in my life at the moment. I’m working on changing the way that I view it, but there’s only so much of that I can do at the same time. Otherwise I would magically be able to just be content with the way things happen in my life. I guess the only issue is that I tend to feel under appreciated like most of the time none of the things that I do in my life or for him are good enough.. I know that he appreciates the things that I do for him, as he tells me occasionally, but I just don’t know sometimes. And of course tomorrow is the 27th and we have been together for 8 months but I’m not even sure that he remembers. I asked him if he wanted to do something earlier and he just completely disregarded it like I was asking for no reason. I know he knows that the 27th is the 27th but I’m not sure that he will even be around tomorrow really or if it even matters anymore. I know it matters but you get the point nonetheless. I’m obviously far too stressed out at this point for any of it to really matter that much. I just need to do what I always do and freak out and get on with my day. I know as soon as I finish this I will most likely go get a shower and then be fine, like normal. Let’s just hope that by the time John reads this he doesn’t get pissed off, cuz god forbid that’s the last thing I want to do at this point. That’d definitely make me wanna scoop my head off. At the moment I don’t want to for once I am just drastically overwhelmed. I just don’t get how I can be so happy yet in turn be so unhappy with certain things in my life at the same time. At the very least he realized that I started crying while I was writing this and of course actually cares, but it also kind of seemed like just my crying pissed him off, which is the exact opposite of what I want. I just wonder how much of my day I spend trying to make him happy or doing things for him/with him that I should technically be focusing on something else in my life. But that will NEVER happen as I love him to death and I need him. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t spend the time I do with him or on him. He’s my world and I love him to death.

Why Would You Hide Chocolate Chips?

Those random questions…the what would you do if’s. Randomly this evening John decides to ask me a what if. This particular what if pertaining to what I would do if he hid the chocolate chips, currently on the kitchen counter, in the new bag that he got me for Christmas. How am I supposed to respond to such random questions? On the bright side, however, he just lit a woodland spice incense stick and it smells absolutely delicious!
Another thing that I find intriguing is that apparently it’s a massive deal that I let a pencil on the coffee table…Not like there aren’t usually ammo cans or ammo crates all over the place that I constantly trip over. I’m sure it will be just yet another thing that I will end up mentioning to the counselor that I have started talking to since the day that I freaked out on campus and walked into his office asking if I could talk to him since I pretty much wanted to slit my wrists because of my advisor basically making me feel like my life was a living hell. It was she that recommended I take intermediate accounting early anyway. I didn’t want to be in that class, but I figured that since she was recommending it that it would be a good decision for me….I was so WRONG about that. It has done nothing but make me want to shoot myself in the face since the beginning of the semester. I can’t wait until the semester is over and I’m done with her class. I just wish that I didn’t have to deal with her for part two next semester.
Also I’m getting slightly nervous about our play for our final on Tuesday. Not because of my part, but because of others in our group of ten. I just know that most of us want this play to be over since it’s worth over 500 points of our final grade. On the nice side of things once we are done with our play on Tuesday then all we have to do is show up the rest of the semester for attendance. Going Tuesday also means that we can get our play out of the way before Thanksgiving break and we can get on with our lives and concentrate on our other finals. This evening while I was at play practice when we turned all the lights off I happened to look down and I realized that my nails glow under the stage lights! It was actually rather intense to realize that they went from being teal to a bright florescent green with red flowery accents 🙂

All in all nothing to major to update about. Just trying to get through the rest of the semester at this point and hoping that my grades will be alright. Next semester things are going to have to be a little different as opposed to the way they are now. I wish I could redo this entire semester and try a lot harder on everything that I have done. But that’s unrealistic and I can only try and fix things from here. So here’s hoping that I can make things work!