Distracted FaceTime

I wish that it was possible for me to magically snap my fingers and make it so that there were no physical complications for my body. I feel like I owe it to John to make myself function better. I know he needs me to be better so that I can help him be a better person. Every time that it seems like things are going to be okay with me, something seems to happen and I just don’t always know how to fix it. I wish that I could just throw on a pair of running shoes and run until I am finally happy with myself…ultimately I wish I could run until John was happy with me. Until I can make him happy again.
I’m not sure whether he is happy or not. I know if I ask him he usually says that he is happy, and in a sense I feel that he is, but then sometimes I question it. Sometimes I feel the same way about myself. Then again, I don’t know how I feel about things anymore. I wonder if I am doing something internally that makes it so that I can’t be truly happy. I don’t know if there is something I need to do or if I just need to push through whatever funk I seem to be in and fully embrace the fact that I have a John and he loves me more than anyone else ever has.
I took back the starter for my vehicle today. They are supposed to be refunding the full amount that I paid for it to my credit card. I really hope that it actually goes through so that I don’t have to pay for it. If I remember correctly I think it was about $130, so yeah, it will be awesome to have that refunded. It’s less that I’ll have to pay back in the end. At least I can manage to spend my money. I have access to a lot of credit options and yet I can control myself. Surprising, considering the other elements of my life that I can’t control.
After I took back the starter I FaceTimed with my cousin Lindsay, since she moved to Florida. I remember when I was little how much I looked up to her and wanted to do things just like she did. Then one day everything changed. I found out that she was sleeping around and that she smoked marijuana. Everything changed at the point since I realized that she had been lecturing me for years about never having sex and never drinking and never doing drugs. Everything that she started doing just came as a bit of a shock to me since I had sat through countless lectures from her over the years. She seems pretty different now though. Even while we were FaceTiming she seemed distracted, like she didn’t even have time for me, but I know she’s busy, so maybe it was just that…