Sunday I finally got my aunts taxes finished up. Then I started in on another tax return. I got as far as I could with it before I needed more information. There was a health care statement that was missing. Little did I know I actually ended up having to file an amended return and get everything straightened out afterwards. I met John for dinner at Denny’s when he was allowed to go on break. I was glad that he had the time to see me, since I ended up falling asleep pretty directly after I got home. I got back up when he finally made it home and watched some Netflix with him before he was ready to go to bed. He’s been sick so I’ve been sleeping downstairs trying not to catch it for once. Hopefully sleeping in a separate space from him will help. John finally gave me an updated copy of his WWII schedule for this year and I’m hoping that I can actually get the chance to see him here and there during the summer. I know he’s going to be busy, but I’m hoping that for once I might not be that busy. I’m way too afraid to let myself think that I might actually have time to see him for once.
Monday I worked at the Lock Haven office for Jackson Hewitt from 10-7, so I didn’t have time to get much of anything else done. I got a little homework done, but no where near enough to even make a minor dent in what has been piling up.
Yesterday I got a few things taken care of. I gave John the final copy of his taxes to send it for the amendment. Then I had to receive a delivery of sandwiches for a Young Marine fundraiser. I found a return at the office yesterday morning that also caught me off guard a little bit. It had a check that was ready for pickup and no one had called the client in a literal month. At least if they did it hadn’t been properly logged on the folder. So I called him as soon as I could and the voice mail hadn’t been set up yet. I plan to try calling again in a day or so.
Today was terrible. Legitimately. I’ve been half crying or literally crying a majority of the day. I’ve been venting at John, trying not to fight with him, but things are getting increasingly more difficult the higher my stress level gets. I wish there was some way that we could just turn things back a few years before every part of our lives got so fucked. I would kill for him, but lately things are just different and I miss how things used to be. I know that there’s no way to undo the damage that I’ve caused or anything that he’s done, but I need things to change in some way…
It’s always said that things always get worse before they get better. Apparently that’s true. I woke up this morning trying to make myself believe that I felt fine. I got a shower hoping that that would make me feel a little better. I managed to get myself around for work and got my things together. Unfortunately by about 11 a.m. I was starting to go downhill pretty quickly. I mentioned that I wanted to go home, but that I needed the cash so I planned on staying. Since Bryan, my co-worker that bought my van, was there he mentioned that he could get me a little bit of the money that he owes me if I waited until he came back from lunch. That sounded like a reasonable plan, so I held out for a little while longer before I clocked out. I decided to clock out around 1:30 and head home. Bryan didn’t give me enough to compensate for what I would lose by leaving work that early, but I really didn’t feel well and I didn’t care at that point.
On the bright side when I got home I at least got to see John for a little bit before he had to leave for work. I have been trying to sleep off and on, but so far I haven’t been that successful. I have been resting at least though, so I’m hoping that it helps. Not long after John left I felt like a bug flew into my mouth, which made me gag until I vomited, but I’m not entirely sure if there was even an actual bug… Hopefully after getting some sleep tonight I end up feeling better because I really don’t want to miss any work tomorrow if I can avoid it. When it comes down to it though, I really don’t want to sit at work completely miserable though either. It’s not like I’ll get better any quicker by pushing my body beyond the point that it can effectively withstand.
I spent Monday morning hanging out with John. Once he woke up I made up breakfast and we watched Netflix for a while. Then he left to go shooting with his friends before he had to go to work. So while he was gone I spent the rest of my day cleaning our kitchen and part of the bathroom. I planned on working on cleaning up some more today, but I woke up this morning to a cold and currently feel like my head wants to explode. I’ve been tossing back cough syrup like clockwork, so hopefully that starts kicking in soon.
I still went to work today though so I’m fairly happy about that. I ended up being clocked in a little over eight hours by the time I ended up leaving. I was by myself most of the day because two of my co-workers decided to call off. In a way I prefer being alone, especially since I was sick. I feel worse about working when I’m sick because I don’t want to get anyone else sick either. I’m sure that the two that called off are probably going to be pretty pissed off when they find out that they aren’t going to be getting paid for the holiday since they didn’t show up today. One of them hurt his back and the other apparently had “stuff” to do.
At this point I’m hoping that sleeping will make me feel better. I currently plan on going to work tomorrow, but I’ll definitely reevaluate when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want to miss work because I need the money, but at the same time I don’t want to spread my germs around. On top of that if I’m sick to the point that I don’t make them money it isn’t worth them paying me to be there, so it’s better for everyone if I just stay home. Even now I’m having trouble focusing. That might be partially because it’s 2 a.m. and I’m just now starting to get tired, but also because of this cold. Maybe this is why I didn’t really feel like doing much this past weekend….
I’m so sick at this point that I’m not even sure how I am staying awake. John is sick as well, and I’m not sure which one of us got it first. At least he got to stay home all day and make an attempt at feeling better. I was at work all day, and that was Hell. From about 11 until 2 I was in a constant state of being dizzy and stumbling about, and then it got a little better, but I still felt like I got kicked in the face. At one point I was also lifting laptops above my head so of course the numbness is still bothering me in my right hand, ever since I messed up my shoulder, but it hasn’t ever been this bad before. I’m just hoping it will go away. John bit my hand earlier to see if I could feel it, he claimed he was biting pretty hard, but I couldn’t feel it. That scares me a little, I’m not sure what I should do about it.
Right now I’m waiting for John to come home from work, which always seems like it drags on and on. Then the second he gets back time just starts flying by. It sucks, but at least we have fun with each other. Despite anything that we’ve been through from the miscarriage, to my talking to Mattie, to him cheating on me. I feel like we could get through anything together. He is there for me and I love having him as that person that I turn to whenever something interesting happens or whenever I need something I know that I can count on him to come through for me no matter what.