The hours that I have been putting in between my internship at Jackson Hewitt and the hours that I’ve been getting at my regular job are slowly starting to take their toll. I’ve been trying to make sure that I get enough sleep, because at this point I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of groggy. I started getting a touch of a cough back over the last few days. Luckily, I still had that inhaler from when I had bronchitis; so I’ve been trying to remember to take periodic hits off every four hours or so just to try and get ahead of any cold that I might be getting. The last thing I want is to be sick for the first day of classes. I’m pretty sure that this week is my last week of “freedom” before the spring semester starts back up. I wouldn’t say that I really have much free time to do anything fun before the semester starts, but I’m going to try to squeeze something into my schedule.
As bad as it sounds, I’ve had to basically put John on a back burner for the moment. I’ve had to put a major focus on the Jackson Hewitt internship. I have to log at least 120 hours in the span of 15 weeks. The internship eliminates one of my classes at least, so it does help in that regard. However, it does cut into some of the time that I typically spend at my actual job. Thus far my actual job has been really understanding about the whole thing, but I feel bad because I know they need me there to do my job too. I feel like I’ve spread myself a little too thin in the way of the commitments that I have right now, but it’s too late to back out of any of my current responsibilities. I just don’t want John to get upset and feel like I’m neglecting him, because the way I see it I definitely am neglecting him, but I don’t know what else to do. At the same time though, he’s 22 and if he can’t manage to take care of himself until I graduate in May, we’ve got more problems than just my neglect.
John and I had one of our ¾ of the night long discussions the other night as well. I was honest with him about how I thought I had gotten over Matt, but apparently I haven’t. He proceeded to give me an ultimatum about how if I don’t manage to get over it in the next 10-15 years that it was going to be a problem. He didn’t specify whether he would leave or what, but it’s been bothering me. Why would I want to put 10-15 years into a relationship, if he’s just going to leave me anyway? It would be monumentally devastating if he left, but I understand where he’s coming from. Why should he put the time and effort in to a relationship with me if he think he has to worry about me running off with Matt some day. It’s a catch twenty-two situation though, because although I am interested in Matt, I don’t know that I would want an actual relationship with him, but I don’t know that I wouldn’t want one either. There’s no way to know and the not knowing is what drives me crazy. At the same time I can’t imagine coming home and not having John there. John is literally my best friend, and we definitely get each other. We have so much fun together and I don’t know what I’d do without him.