Danger on the Horizon

First off, classes start tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. Thank God, I don’t have class until after noon, but still. My work schedule is funky as hell on the days that I have class this semester. For the foreseeable future I’m going to be scheduled open-1 and then 3-close, just long enough for me to go to campus for my class. No sooner do I finish class I have to run back to work to start my afternoon shift. I’m hoping that I can manage to get at least some of my homework done at first while I’m working. At least until I can get some form of a routine down. I’m tired as it is the way I’ve been working. I’m really hoping that adding classes into the mix doesn’t completely overwhelm me.

My mom is also coming to town tomorrow. So we’ll see how that goes…

That Fantastic July Cold

I spent Monday morning hanging out with John. Once he woke up I made up breakfast and we watched Netflix for a while. Then he left to go shooting with his friends before he had to go to work. So while he was gone I spent the rest of my day cleaning our kitchen and part of the bathroom. I planned on working on cleaning up some more today, but I woke up this morning to a cold and currently feel like my head wants to explode. I’ve been tossing back cough syrup like clockwork, so hopefully that starts kicking in soon.

I still went to work today though so I’m fairly happy about that. I ended up being clocked in a little over eight hours by the time I ended up leaving. I was by myself most of the day because two of my co-workers decided to call off. In a way I prefer being alone, especially since I was sick. I feel worse about working when I’m sick because I don’t want to get anyone else sick either. I’m sure that the two that called off are probably going to be pretty pissed off when they find out that they aren’t going to be getting paid for the holiday since they didn’t show up today. One of them hurt his back and the other apparently had “stuff” to do.

At this point I’m hoping that sleeping will make me feel better. I currently plan on going to work tomorrow, but I’ll definitely reevaluate when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want to miss work because I need the money, but at the same time I don’t want to spread my germs around. On top of that if I’m sick to the point that I don’t make them money it isn’t worth them paying me to be there, so it’s better for everyone if I just stay home. Even now I’m having trouble focusing. That might be partially because it’s 2 a.m. and I’m just now starting to get tired, but also because of this cold. Maybe this is why I didn’t really feel like doing much this past weekend….

 

Chaos, Hectic Chaos

The second appraisal came back at the exact dollar amount that we ha offered. Which isn’t exactly what I wanted, but I’ll definitely take it. It makes me happy to know that we are one step closer to being able to buy the house. I’m really hoping that things work out because although this house is slightly small it’s something that I really like and there’s still enough room that we would be able to add on or at least remodel a little without worrying about space issues too much. On top of that the neighborhood appears to be pretty quiet, which I will value unbelievably.

I get all four of my wisdom teeth removed this coming Tuesday and I’m basically petrified of what it’s going to feel like after. I will be under anesthesia during the surgery, but eventually the medication will wear off. I’m hoping that John will be able to help me pick up my prescription before he leaves for work so that I’m not miserable. He has to work on Tuesday night and I’m concerned that I’m going to need help from him and he won’t be there. I’ve never had any form of dental surgery before, so I’m sure I’m overreacting, but still. I’m just beyond grateful that he’ll be able to take me there and drive me home after. I feel bad that he might not be able to eat lunch at Ponderosa, but at least he got to when we had to go for the surgery consultation.

Aside from that I have exactly seven days until I’m done with my second summer class and I cannot wait until everything is finished up. I want to have the extra time to be able to pack and get things around before we go back to school again. I already started buying a few of the supplies that I’m going to need when we go back, especially since I’ve been off work here and there with my wrist since they have found that there is some form of bone lesion that caused the fracture. I don’t even know where to start with that considering the first specialist I was sent to said he didn’t see the fracture or lesion and the only reason he didn’t cast my wrist was because it’s summer and I can’t effectively wash my wrist if it’s casted. On top of being inconsistent he managed to leave my exam three different times to go deal with other patients, and then when his nurse came in to put a different brace on my wrist she had to go through three different boxes until she found a right handed brace, because almost all of their braces were in the wrong boxes… Needless to say my actual doctor instantly referred me to another specialist, but I can’t see him until the 27th. In the mean time I’m on some random steroids, God only knows what they’re supposed to be for.

Definitely Scatterbrained

So, I’m watching the store where I work for the morning. No sooner did I get here my boss decided to tell me he wanted to go work on his boat and he left me in charge. I’ve gotten pretty lucky with it as well since the phone has only rang once in the past hour and it was only his wife so it wasn’t even anything I really had to deal with. I should probably be getting work done, but I’m so exhausted with everything I’ve got on my plate right now that I just need some time to chill out for a little bit. I really wish I had known that he was going to be leaving though since I didn’t eat breakfast and I hadn’t brought any lunch with me either. It’s almost noon and I’m starting to get hungry, hopefully he comes back in a decent amount of time because I can’t really leave to grab lunch unitl he comes back.

Other than that we are in the process of trying to buy a house and I just wish that we could hear back about the appraisal results already since it was done last Monday and we have yet to hear anything from the bank. We know that there are issues that are going to need to be fixed with the house, but we need to know what the next step will be and what exactly we can do from here. Hopefully, the house appraises at a high enough of a value that the bank will at least give us the mortgage in general. I mean our offer is $66,500 so I’m hoping that everything works out in our favor. I feel like the house it worth a little more than that, but my opinion doesn’t exactly matter in this situation. Our closing date is July 31st so I’m really hoping that things work out in our favor, but realistically it’s basically going to consist of us just waiting and waiting until we finally hear back from the bank.

I’m one ten page paper away from being done with my first summer class and I’m really hoping that I can knock most of it out tonight once I get home from work. I just need to be done with it so that I don’t have to worry about finishing it before the deadline on Friday. I wish that I was done after this class, but unfortunately I have to take another summer class after this, that starts on Monday. I really need this class though so that next semester I’m done before 3:30 and I can go to work.

Death, Destruction, and Future Fears

Things have been hectic lately, to say the least. I had a terrible cold that lasted a couple weeks, an excruciating set of exams, a death, a family cancer diagnosis, and my impending birthday. All four of the exams that I had to take were scheduled over a period of three days. On top of that I was given an assignment for a take home portion of one of my exams that was also a group question. So trying to coordinate timing with three other people who also had their own work schedules, studying, and personal lives to coordinate around became a bit of an issue. Despite the timing problems we ran into the issue that we had absolutely no idea how to solve the problem that we were working on, which ended up being a disaster. We resorted to buying the answers for a previous textbook to get the answers that we needed for the project. I have only received two of my four exam grades so far and as of right now I failed both of them. This, of course, makes me feel even more depressed than I already do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my schoolwork I’m just not good enough.

My boss’ mother also passed away the same week of my exams. This made a lot of things more difficult. Work became an issue because neither of my bosses were actually around that much as they were beginning to get things ready for the funeral. Her death was expected in a way, but I didn’t actually think that it would happen as soon as it did. Last Wednesday, the morning that she passed, she woke up and wasn’t even able to effectively communicate with anyone anymore. Her health has been slowly degrading over the past year, but it quickly deteriorated over the past two months. She got to the point recently that she wasn’t even allowed to be left alone because she kept falling and getting stuck wherever she fell. The viewing, funeral, and after luncheon were all this past Saturday. There ended up being a snow storm during the viewing and so all of the services were held inside the funeral home and then only the pallbearers and her children were the ones to go to the grave site. This was the first real funeral service or viewing that I have ever been to. The only other people that I’ve known to die were cremated and didn’t actually have formal services. The one thing that sticks in the back of my mind is that there were so many people who cared for this woman, but she was one of the most aggressive and slightly ungrateful people that I have ever met in my life thus far. Even in the last of her days my boss would come in to work and speak of the things that her mother had done or said to those around her, most of which were negative. A few days after her death it became known that she had put up with her abusive husband for years, before he finally left her to raise her eight children alone, and no one ever knew. It wasn’t something that she would have ever mentioned, but that’s one of those things in life. There are some things that you would never guess about someone, even if they might be close to you. I honestly have no idea how she managed to raise eight children by herself, some of which are the nicest people I know.

As for the family cancer diagnosis, my grandfather’s brother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me either considering he has been a smoker since he was a teenager. Seeing him in the hospital, paired with the recent death I was exposed to, has made me realize that I’m about to start losing those around me. Everyone I care about is getting older, as everyone does, and it makes me realize that I hate not being close to those around me. After the way I was brought up I’ve never really let myself get close to anyone around me. I’ve always used this as a coping mechanism since everyone walks away from me, probably because I push them away, when all I really want is for them to care about what happens to me. Sometimes I just want someone to show some interest in the things in my life, and know that if I need someone to talk to that they are actually going to be around when I need them. I’ve had countless people tell me that they’re “here if I need to talk” but in reality when I do reach out and try to tell them I need someone to talk to or want to make plans I consistently get blown off more often than not. Realistically, I’ve accepted that I don’t really have friends anymore, but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t hurt my feelings. With my birthday in a few days I’m wondering who’s even going to bother contacting me, and I’m anxious to see which of them I’ve even heard from since the last time they told me happy birthday. I don’t know what I’m going to do over the next few days, but I have decided that I’m not really going to do very many productive things until I’m no longer a teenager. I’ve put so much work into the things I’ve done and I’ve decided that I’m taking a break for the next couple days, whether I deserve it or not. If I don’t feel like doing something I’m not going to bother. When Monday happens I’ll return to the real world and I know I need to step up my game if I’m going to actually manage to keep my life together and to keep my fiancé happy. I know I haven’t been doing a good job lately at attending to his needs, but things in my world haven’t exactly been delightful. I’m sure he claims to understand, but I’m not sure if he realizes just how much the things that have been going on have affected me recently. Another thing that I am going to constantly affiliate with my birthday for the rest of my life is having the abortion a year ago. I know we joke about it and that it was really for the best, but I can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if I we hadn’t handled things the way we did.

Update: Work & Such

We have finally got cameras and camera lenses back at work again. This makes me beyond happy, especially since I have been the one who has been working on them. It makes my day a lot less stressful when I know I will be spending a decent portion of my day working with cameras. Back when we used to have a full staff cameras were pretty much the only thing that I really worked on, it was basically the area I specialized in. Now that we are down to there just being a few of us I have had to take on a lot more responsibility wise. Having cameras to focus on and just having to throw in a random item here and there for right now is beyond awesome. I guess I like cameras more because they are time consuming in a way, but they sell well and they are just the type of item I prefer to list on eBay. Listing cameras also brings up the number of items that I list during the day because I can get more cameras listed than I can just random items because I don’t have to take the time to look up each and every individual camera to try and figure out what it is. I can just go off of one of the other ones that I have already done and go from there. All in all, it makes my work day flow much smoother, decreases my stress level, and makes me much happier.

I’ve started keeping track of my calories and what I have been eating again. I have increased dramatically in my weight since I stopped keeping track of things. This item was attempted to be powered on. Realistically, I just can’t deal with the way that I feel. Ever since I stopped keeping track I have been a lot more tired and overall I have felt like complete shit. I wouldn’t say that I am “dieting,” just that I am keeping track of what I am eating. Typically when I keep track I tend to eat less and I tend to eat more things that are at least slightly healthy as opposed to when I don’t keep track and eat like complete shit all the time. I hate the way that I look and I have made attempts in the past but I’ve never really stuck with it, mostly out of lack of time and desire to do so. I just feel drastically unattractive and I need to change something about the way that I do things. I feel even worse about it because I know that John feels bad about his own weight and I can’t really help him to get through his own issues if I myself eat like crap all the time and keep gaining weight. On top of everything the fall semester is finally over and it’s not like I really have anything else to keep me occupied.

Fear and Hope

With the recent murder of a police officer within Pennsylvania I ended up thinking about how that’s what John wants to do with his career. The thought of him being a police officer worries me, of course, because I care about him and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, but I know that I have to encourage him to go towards his goals. I would be beyond proud of him the entire time, but I know that every day that he left for work I would be hoping and praying that that wouldn’t be the last time I got to kiss him goodbye. I mean the officer that was murdered was only 38, had been married 10 years, and left behind two children. It petrifies me to think about not having John in my life anymore and I can only imagine what the officer’s widow feels like. I’m not stupid, I know that John dying in the line of duty is always a possibility, just as it’s a possibility that he could die for some other reason, but it would still be hard to deal with overall. I depend on him for a lot of things, and I occasionally depend on him for my level of happiness as well. He manages to keep me balanced and reminds me why I bother doing some of the things that I do everyday. I hope that John can find a position that he likes within the criminal justice field and I hope that we can enjoy however much time the two of us will be blessed to have together. I know that sometimes both of us are temperamental and we might get irritated but I love my fiance to death and I don’t know what I would do without him in my life now that I’ve had him for so long. Ultimately he makes me happy and I am glad when I can do things for him and get to see him react in a grateful way. I know that occasionally I go out of my way to do things “over the top” for him in an attempt for his praise, but it’s a system that usually pays off for my self esteem, so it works for me.

John is working again, thank God. Just having him working back at TA again makes things so much better when it comes to my stress levels. I no longer have to work 40 hours a week while I’m in school, unless I choose to. I have still been working almost full time, but that is my choice to do so and John is typically at work anyway. He seems to be sleeping better as well which makes me so much happier. I know that it was irritating for him to try and sleep, especially when I could fall right asleep, but despite how much I cared there was really no way that I could stay awake with him until the early hours of the morning. I just wish that there was some way that I could get all of the things done at the house in the next day or two so that I could keep up with them a little better. I managed to do the dishes and clean the kitchen yesterday, which looks 10 times better than it did. The rest of the apartment is still a bit of a mess, but I had an assignment due by 9 tonight that I was working on this morning so that I can study for my quiz tomorrow when I get home without having to worry about having other things that need to be done. I’m not quite sure what time I will get out of work today since Emily is not coming in, Bonnie is leaving early, and Dick won’t be back until at least 2. My grandparents were potentially going to stop by today once I got home but If I’m not there in time, I don’t think they will wait around. The other employees that we have also aren’t here. Brittany had an appointment for the baby and isn’t coming in at all and Ryan is sick, again. So that just leaves me to be here all day and try and get a few things done. However, it is really quiet here today, and it is really nice for once. The television isn’t blaring and Dick isn’t running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Surprisingly, I feel pretty optimistic for once, hopefully it lasts.

Things are Surprisingly Alright Still

I know that we haven’t had accident’s recently while engaging in sexual activity, but I was starting to get concerned that I might have been pregnant again. It was basically a terrifying experience over the past couple days. I, of course, didn’t mention it to John until after I knew for sure because there was no point in making him just as paranoid as I was. However, thank God, I was just being paranoid and I’m thankfully not pregnant. I love John to death but there was a reason that I had an abortion the first time. This isn’t a good time/place for us to be in our lives to have a child. Especially since John just got laid off from his job this past week. Surprisingly, I’m not too concerned about him getting laid off now that I know I’m not pregnant, because I know that he will find a job eventually. We’ll make it work somehow and I like that he is here when I get home from work most of the time now. I was getting used to him not being home and all that but I like that he is here for the most part. I do get concerned that there may be more arguments or just disagreements between the two of us if we spend more and more time together since the two of us tend to take our aggression out on each other.
We were watching Family Guy earlier and I think that it made a very good point when referring to addicts during an episode. Everyone is addicted to something for the most part, whether they realize it or not, and they are always overly occupied with something. Whether it’s alcohol, rehab, or an alternate habit that they develop to use as a distraction from their previous habits. Another thing that it reminds me of is when I used to drink rather heavily. I don’t know how I used to be able to function to get up and go to class everyday without anyone noticing. I don’t know if I just managed to hide it well or what, but I would think that someone should have noticed. My family didn’t care so I didn’t expect them to notice, but I would have thought that there should have been a person, whether it was in school or elsewhere, that should have attempted to step in. I mean I did have a 4.0 GPA nonetheless, but I wish that I could have changed the way that I did things back then. There are times when I wonder just how much I potentially messed up my life over the years, but I guess like always that’s part of the reason that i am the way I am today. Not that I really always like the way that I act now either.
We also got a cabinet from my parents today that I convinced John to put all of his tactical gear and other stuff inside. I’m glad that he decided to go through with the plan because it makes the living room seem a lot more organized and gives him a place to store his items that he has been listing on eBay as well as all of the items and accessories that he has been collecting in preparation for his 1919 to come from the guy that he has building it for him.
I’m anxious to see the way that my life unfolds over time. I know that things will probably work themselves out, but I’m anxious to see what happens with John and I. Things seem to be alright between us for right now, but of course you never know what can happen. I didn’t really expect him to take getting laid off as well as he seems to be taking it, which makes me really happy. When he first told me I was more concerned that I was going to have to deal with him freaking out and being massive depressive about the situation but I am definitely proud of the way that he is handling the entire thing.
On the bright side I think that John and I are finally going to get the chance to paint our bedroom, which makes me beyond happy. I hope that we can manage to get it done in a timely manner, because just the thought that it might be done soon makes me happy. We have picked out a pretty lighter yet deep blue color that John really likes. I’m happy that he likes the color, I don’t quite know if I would have picked that color myself, but as long as he likes it I am willing to compromise on the color. It’s not that I dislike the color we picked, just that I don’t know which one I would have picked myself. I probably would have chosen something more vibrant than the blue color that we are going to get. Originally I told him that when we got back from Farrandsville we would go pick up the paint from Wal-Mart but we both got side tracked I guess, and now we are sitting in the living room, watching Family Guy, and doing our own quiet activities. He is playing with his links and things and I am writing this update. At the very least I am glad that we are able to spend time together and do our own activities at the same time sometimes. I like that he is here with me and I’m still able to “do my own thing,” all while keeping him within range in case I need anything or just decide to express my gratitude towards all of things that he does for me. He seems to make my life seem a little more complete and that means a lot to me, especially knowing that he is here for me despite anything that might happen in either of our lives. Having someone who actually provides support in my life is something that I’m not really used to.

Aside

I’ve been dealing with a few things lately. It seems like as soon as I clean the apartment John has some event or something gets delivered and then things are a mess again. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, and he at least apologizes, but it can be frustrating at times. I mean yesterday I cleaned up a little bit and then today his 1919 tripod came and I’m sure I’ll head home to a small disaster.
On another note, I realized about halfway through my day at work that I pretty much forgot that it is my uncle’s birthday. That would have been bad considering he is one of the people that would take it personally and probably be upset about it. So I went upstairs from where I work and I got him a card. I plan on stopping there once I leave work so that I can at least give him the card. I think I’m going to stop at home and get the bottle of vodka in our freezer and give him that as a present. It’s not even opened and it’s not like John and I drink or anything. For being a last minute thing I guess it counts as a good present. I did live with them for over a year and all that. In theory he has definitely impacted my life over the years since he’s pretty much always been there if I needed anything.
At this point I’m just bored out of my mind and I’m having some trouble focusing on working, so I figured that I would update my blog. Matt was here until about a half hour ago keeping my at least partially entertained but he left because he too was also beyond bored and there are only so many things one can do to pretend that they are being productive before it starts to drive you nuts. Oh, fun story: this morning one of our distant aunts came in and expected my cousin Emily to be able to get her at least a fifty percent discount on her computer repair since our aunt had hemmed some of Emily’s pants for free about two years ago. Had our aunt mentioned this to Emily before she came to the store she may have been a little more prepared to handle the situation. Our aunt was being pretty ignorant about the entire thing, like we don’t even get discounts on anything that we would plan on buying. It’s kinda ridiculous in my opinion, but I guess that’s just how she is. Of course Emily is pretty upset about it, but it’s not like she is going to tell our aunt that considering she tries to avoid conflict.
Well, I think I am going to go back to making an attempt at being productive for the next 33 minutes, at least enough to try and clean up my desk.

Oh, Productivity